Our Miss Brooks - The Reunion Assembly
by Stretch Snodgrass
Summary: It has been almost sixty years since Connie Boynton, nee Brooks, taught English at Madison High School. Connie discusses old times with her husband and an unlikely friend. To her surprise she is soon invited to a ceremony to celebrate the renovation and expansion of her old school. However, somebody doesn't want her to attend. Reviews greatly appreciated.
1. Miss Enright

**The Reunion Assembly**

_It has been almost sixty years since Connie Boynton, nee Brooks, taught English at Madison High School. Connie discusses old times with her husband and an unlikely friend. To her surprise she is soon invited to a ceremony to celebrate the renovation and expansion of her old school. Will she meet any of her former students?_

**Chapter One Miss En****right**

Our Miss Brooks had taught English at Madison High School. It had not been her dream job . . . well it may very well have been if her superior was not a certain Principal Osgood Conklin. However, it was there she had met the object of her affection, Madison's biology teacher. It was after more than six long years of courtship that she finally caught and married him.

Soon after their marriage, Mr. Boynton was offered a professorship at State U, soon after that the former Miss Brooks had, as was the practice at the time, retired from teaching to raise three children of her own. Over the years, those children had grown up, left, and raised their own children. Her oldest grandson now had two young children of his own. The end result was that Connie Boynton was now a great-grandmother and, well, compared to her, old Mrs. Davis had been a young girl when Connie had boarded with her. Or so said Connie's best friend and former rival, fellow retired English teacher Daisy Leblanc nee Enright.

"Really, Connie" said Daisy, who still spoke in an arrogant self-important manner after all these years, "I am surprised to see how positively ancient you are! You have surely let yourself go these past few months. You were positively radiant at your ninetieth birthday party! Just because you're a great-grandmother is no reason to let yourself go! Of course, you can't compare with me. I am only a grandmother myself and a mere seventy-nine!"

This was of course, an outright lie. Daisy and Connie were both in their nineties, and looked it, although they were still enjoying good health. Phillip Boynton was ninety-two, and although now frequently tired and sleeping through the day, was still in decent shape. Unfortunately, Daisy's husband, retired French teacher Monsieur Leblanc, had passed away some years before.

The two old women were having tea in the Boynton's dining room. Mr. Boynton was napping in his room, and Connie did not want to wake him.

"You're a hundred if you're a day," replied Connie, taking Daisy's insults with a tolerance she would have never displayed in her younger days. "With your granddaughter Rose's impending marriage, you will be expecting a great-grandchild of your one of these days."

"Really, Connie!" said Daisy, "I am sure you don't mean that! Why look at me, not a single crow's foot!"

"Only because you've buried them in an inch of makeup" replied Connie. "You know as well as I do that the crows have tap-danced over both our faces!"

"Speak for yourself!" retorted Daisy, albeit with a smile.

After a moment's pause, she continued.

"I do enjoy these chats with you, Connie. Doesn't it remind you of the old days, when we were both competing for Phil's affections?"

"Yes" said Connie, smiling, ". . . And how I won at long last"

"I thought it was the end of the world" sighed Daisy. "Then I fell in love with, and married Maurice Leblanc. We had more than forty happy years of marriage!"

"How have you been doing since you moved in with your son and his wife?" asked Connie.

"Alright, Connie. It isn't quite so enjoyable living in a big house all by yourself . . . when you are in your late seventies."

Connie rolled her eyes, as Daisy continued;

"It also gives me a chance to be near Rose and her husband Brandon - I hope to be around when that great-grandchild you warned me about arrives!"

"Phil and I love this little cottage" Connie replied. "We wouldn't leave it for anything."

"I know" said Daisy. "You've lived here since you were married . . . why you have chosen such a tiny home is beyond me."

"Why you chose that big mausoleum is beyond me" Connie replied. "Still, as you remember, I used to board with Mrs. Davis in her house across the street. After we were married, Phil's mother lived there to be close to us and the children."

"Dear old Mrs. Davis" said Daisy. "Do you still miss her, after all these years?"

"Yes, although it has been forty years, I still think of her" observed Connie sadly. "So do the children."

Connie looked through the many family portraits on the dining room walls. Among them was that of a short old lady wearing glasses and a kindly expression. The late Mrs. Davis had been like a mother to Miss Brooks, and a grandmother to her children.

_Author's Notes_

The first and only story in the Our Miss Brooks category! In brief, a fifty-eight-years later reunion story (dating from the 1956 movie, where Miss Brooks finally gets engaged to Mr. Boynton).

In contrast to the show, most people will be referred to by their first names - mostly due to the fact that "Connie" and "Daisy" have long since married.

Maurice Leblanc was a French teacher who appeared occasionally in the program, most notably in the episode "June Bride." Miss Daisy Enright, a fellow English teacher, was Miss Connie Brook's rival for Boynton's affections. She only appeared a few times on the television show, but was a semi-regular on the radio.

Phillip Boynton was considered for a College position "The Wrong Mrs. Boynton" (the T.V. version) and "Professorship at State U" (Radio equivalent). He was turned down as he was not as yet a family man. This impediment was removed by his marriage to Connie, and its reasonable to assume he found an opening soon thereafter.


	2. The Yearbook

**The Yearbook**

_As Constance Boynton nee Brooks had suspected, Daisy had chosen to pay a visit so as to exhibit her newest album of family portraits. Ever since digital cameras had replaced film (and Daisy had been a very late convert), the numbers of pictures had increased four or five-fold. Connie would have objected, but she too had an album or two of family photographs to show._

_When Philip Boynton awoke, he took his cane and walked over to the living room. He found Connie and Daisy sitting on the sofa, viewing Connie and Philip's great grandchildren._

"Hello, Daisy" said Phillip in a friendly tone. "We enjoy seeing you here."

As was typical for Philip, he gave her a very businesslike handshake.

"Phillip" said Daisy, "I am glad to see you. Why don't you sit here to my left?"

"Phil dear, why don't you sit here, to my right?" Connie said, looking warily at Daisy. It had been nearly sixty years, but Connie didn't like to take any chances.

"Oh, don't mind me!" said Daisy critically.

Phillip sat down (in the middle), giving Connie a kiss, his face turning beet red as he did so.

"I'm sorry I missed reviewing your latest family portraits" Phillip told Daisy.

"That's all right" said Daisy. "I am sure we can look through our albums again."

"Or we can do something different first!" Connie said forcefully, before adding in a much more diplomatic voice. "Looking at our grandchildren can be great fun, but let's not overdo it!"

"Then what would you have us do?" Daisy replied irritably.

"I know" suggested Phillip. "How about we take a walk down to the park, and see if we can find any frogs!"

Connie and Daisy greeted this suggestion with a stony silence.

"Then we can fall in the frog pond and catch our death of pneumonia" said Connie, finally breaking the lull. "I'm sorry, Phil. We're not as young as we used to be. I'm afraid frog hunting is beyond me."

"It aggravated my rheumatism just thinking about it" said Daisy.

"Oh well, we can still walk to the park, can't we?" Phillip suggested.

"We could, if the weatherman didn't call for rain" said Connie, walking to the window and looking at the overcast sky. "Pneumonia from rain is no more attractive than pneumonia from a dip in the pond."

"Well, the only thing we can do is look at our pictures" said Daisy.

"We could play Scrabble" suggested Philip. "If there's any game that Connie likes, it's Scrabble. It's a great way to brush up on our English vocabulary."

"Really, now" Daisy objected. "I did not place a visit just to play board games. Moreover, as a retired English teacher, I have no need to "brush up" my language skills.

"That gives me the perfect idea" Connie replied. "Let's look at one of our old Madison High School yearbooks. It will give us the chance to look at the time when we _were_ English teachers, and young enough to go frog hunting in the park."

"Very well" said Daisy. "I haven't seen those yearbooks in _ages_."

_The yearbooks were lying on a hidden shelf at the bottom of a nearby bookcase. The first one brought to the fore was a dusty volume bearing the title "Madison High School - 1956."_

_Phillip had the honour of turning the pages, while Connie and Daisy read over his shoulders with a devouring interest._

"I remember 1956" said Connie. "The last school year where I held the title of Miss Brooks."

"Yes, it was the year we were married" said Phillip.

"And the year before I fell in love with Maurice Leblanc" added Daisy, so as not to be left out.

"Hmm, on the title page" observed Connie. "Yearbook editor, Harriet Conklin. Assistant Editor, Walter Denton. Even back then, they were a couple."

"Weren't they graduates that year?" asked Daisy.

"Yes, I believe they were" said Connie. "We'll see toward the end of the book."

"I can't believe Walter Denton only attended high school for four years" observed Phillip. "He seemed to be around forever."

"Yes" observed Connie. "If I didn't know better, I'd say he had been attending since I began teaching in '48."

The following page featured the then school song, _O Madison. _Phillip and Daisy sang the song as it was written, while Connie included the goofy extra lyrics that had been Walter Denton's invention back in the day.

_O Madison,_

_Thou Madison,_

_(As old as Thomas Addison)_

_O hallowed halls,_

_(O Basketballs)_

_How short the day!_

_(How short the pay!)_

_When we grey hair at Madison,_

_We'll still be there at Madison._

_(Hello Clay City)_

The next page featured a large photograph of a middle aged, bespectacled man, dressed in a sober black suit and tie. "Greetings from the Principal, Osgood Conklin" read the title.

"Yes" said Connie, reading the address under the photograph. "I remember this page very well. Mr. Conklin had me compose this address, and then type it out in triplicate."

"_Dear _old Mr. Conklin" said Daisy. "How _long _has it been? Twenty-five years I believe."

"He was quite a character!" said Phillip. "Gee, it's too bad he's gone! Don't you miss him Connie?"

"Not in his role as principal" said Connie, honestly. "However, Mr. Conklin did have his good points; I did get along with his wife and his daughter Harriet. I believe I even could count him as a good acquaintance . . . once I retired from teaching."

"What's on the next page?" asked Phillip.

"Well, if isn't a photograph and biography of our school's esteemed founder, Yodar Kritch!" observed Connie.

Phillip laughed.

"I remember the school athletic fund was short, and you attempted to trade his bust for money to buy baseball uniforms."

"And _you _tried to use my dress, the one I left in my classroom" returned Connie, smiling.

"Let us go on to the students, shall we?" urged Daisy.

_The three teachers spent a good half hour looking through the photographs of various students, with Daisy, who still had a remarkable memory, pointing out her favourites from each year. Connie and Phillip were equally up to the challenge, pointing out a student who had practised medicine in Madison for a number of years._

"Look, there's Harvey Brent" said Connie. "To think, he was raised in a hobo camp!"

"I remember that!" said Phillip. "You kept that from Mr. Conklin so he wouldn't inform the authorities. We didn't want Harvey to be taken away from his father.

"A hobo camp!" said Daisy, shocked. "How could you let poor Dr. Brent suffer like that!"

"Oh, my first thought was to tell Mr. Conklin" admitted Connie. "However, it was a very unique situation. The boy's father had run a service station, but slipped into a depression when the boy's mother died. He lost everything, but he cared very much for his son. I decided I couldn't separate them."

"Well!" said Daisy, deeply offended. "I certainly would not have allowed such a state of affairs to go unchallenged!"

"It's been more than fifty years, Daisy" said Phillip. "Why don't we move on?"

"Why look!" said Connie, "There's Larry Clayton, the used car dealer!"

"It figures he'd become a used car dealer" laughed Phillip. "He was always a wheeler-dealer."

"Nothing compared to Walter Denton" said Connie appraisingly. "Look there, from wheeler-dealer to one wheel short of a buggy. Bones Snodgrass."

"Hmm, his real name was Winston?" observed Phillip Boynton.

"Yes" observed Connie. "It really is odd that a boy with his mentality would have a namesake in Winston Churchill."

"I believe his brother Stretch's real name was Fabian" noted Daisy. "It makes Winston look positively decent by comparison."

"I remember Stretch once mentioned a sister named Rapunzel" said Connie. "She was after my time."

"Well, Bones may not have been sharp, but did become a very good electrician" said Phillip.

"Yes" said Connie. "Before Bones retired he was the only one we allowed to cause short circuits around here."

"At least he had an actual skill to rely upon, besides his athletic interests" Daisy observed haughtily. "I had the misfortune of teaching Stretch in the ninth grade. I still remember the end-of-term composition he wrote. _I Hate English Because_."

"I certainly had a time getting them both through school" Connie agreed, "and eligible for the baseball, basketball and football teams."

"Well, if I remember right, this was the year we graduated old Stretch" observed Phillip.

"Not to mention Walter Denton" Connie added.

"And that _dear _Harriet Conklin" Daisy noted.

"Well, don't just sit there Phil" said Connie. "Let's have a look at the graduating class."

**Author's Notes**

The school song, _O' Madison_, is heard in the radio episode _Clay City English Teacher_.

Yodar Kritch is mentioned often throughout the series. In _Fischer's Pawn Shop _(TV) and _Baseball Uniforms _(Radio), Miss Brooks decides to pawn a bust of Yodar Kritch for enough money to buy school baseball uniforms.

In the episode _Hobo Jungle _(TV) Miss Brooks discovers that an honour student (Harvey Brent) is living in a hobo encampment. The episode _Swap Week_ (TV) features Larry Clayton, who introduces the eponymous event.

Bones Snodgrass appeared almost exclusively on the T.V. as Stretch Snodgrass' brother, often the radio adaptation of the same script featured Stretch and not Bones. Bones appeared in at least one radio episode, _The Moving Van_ (an alternate version of the same program has Stretch and not Bones). Bones is mentioned as being adept at electrical work in _Public Property on Parade _(T.V.).

The first episode to include Stretch Snodgrass, _Stretch the Basketball Star _(radio), mentions he flunked out of Miss Enright's class - possibly because of the essay. In the (radio) episode _Stretch has a Problem_, Stretch Snodgrass refers to a sister named Rapunzel.


	3. The Graduating Class

**The Graduating Class**

The first familiar face Connie observed was the valedictorian, the aforementioned Harriet Conklin, Osgood Conklin's daughter.

"She was quite a student!" said Phillip approvingly. "And look at her address! She planned to be a teacher!"

"An excellent girl in everyway" added Daisy Enright. "It's too bad she didn't follow us into the profession!"

"Yes" said Connie sardonically, "With the starvation wages I received it wasn't a challenge to maintain my figure."

"Well, she made an excellent lawyer" said Phillip. "The firm of Denton and Denton would have been nothing without her."

"Walter Denton would have been nothing without her" said Connie bluntly, as Phillip turned the page. "There's a reason Harriet stayed in practice, even after Walter, Harriet, and Osgood Jr. were born."

"I thought Walter Denton is a good friend of yours?" asked Daisy.

"He is" said Connie. "Trust me when I say that he was hardly a beacon of scholastic brilliance. He knows it as well as I do."

"Funny how that worked out" observed Phillip. "Lawyer and then State Senator."

"It was an honour to give the opening address at his first campaign rally" Connie observed. "Mr. Conklin was still living then. It was amazing to see the change in his attitude to Walter once he was a shoo-in according to the polls."

"Yes" observed Daisy with a smile. "Remember Walter and Harriet's wedding? I have never seen the father of the bride looking so stiff and miserable."

"By then Walter had been called to the bar" noted Connie. "It was only because Walter had a "respectable profession," to quote our esteemed late principal, that Mr. Conklin agreed ever so reluctantly to give his blessing. Mrs. Conklin told me about the awful row they had when Walter asked for it."

"I heard what happened from Walter himself" laughed Phillip. "Mr. Conklin picked up Walter Denton by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the house . . . and then kicked him down the porch steps."

"I have always considered the fact that Walter chose not to press charges to be a factor in Mr. Conklin's decision to give his blessing" said Connie. "But then again, when he was a teenager Mr. Conklin kicked him down those steps all the time."

"Walter's address wouldn't have reassured Mr. Conklin all that much" observed Philip. "Walter wrote down his plans were to be a "millionaire entrepreneur."

"What's wrong with that?" laughed Connie. "And I thought the boy lacked ambition!"

"Of course," observed Daisy, "the difficulty is in actually establishing oneself as a millionaire entrepreneur."

The next page brought them to Gary Nolan.

"Speaking of millionaires" said Phillip, rather irritably.

"Yes, the owner of the _Madison Express_, several buildings downtown, and our local television station" observed Daisy. "Is he still a friend of yours, Connie?"

"Yes" said Connie. "Gary and his late father both. I tutored Gary. It was my tutoring Gary that led, indirectly, to my proposal from Phil."

"It had nothing to do with it!" protested Phillip.

"You were green with envy!" smiled Connie, enjoying the memory. "I had only begun reconciling father and son when you jumped to the conclusion that Lawrence Nolan wanted me to be his bride!"

"He did, didn't he?" said Phillip.

"Really?" inquired Daisy.

"Yes" said Connie, "He was a doll, but the only man for me was Phil."

Phillip smiled.

Turning the page brought them to Suzie Prentiss, and as Connie observed she was:

"The only girl whoever spelt Prentiss with three s's."

"Oh, I remember her" Daisy observed. "I once had to give her a minus two on her English exam!"

"A minus two?" asked Philip.

"Besides answering every question wrong" Connie explained, "she misspelt her name."

"Yes" said Daisy. "I can see why she married Stretch Snodgrass. Those two were made for each other. Or should I say "them two was made for the other?"

"Them two" echoed Connie grimly. "And what is this? Suzie's intentions were to teach English at Madison High School!"

"Heaven forfend!" said Daisy piously. "Thank goodness she married Stretch, not only for her sake but for the benefit of those poor students she would have taught!"

"The Madison High English Department would have never been the same" observed Connie. "Well speak of Stretch Snodgrass - the star athlete himself!"

Daisy sniffed "Fortunately he was talented enough to become a major league baseball player! He could have accomplished little else in life with any degree of proficiency."

"Fortunately for him, Suzie and his children, he let Walter handle his finances" Connie added. "It was Walter I remember who told him to focus on baseball, merely because it paid the best at the time."

"Yes" observed Philip. "He invited us to see his first pro game. What teams did he play for again?"

"The Washington Senators and the Montreal Expos" reminisced Connie. "Phil Junior did like a tour by a real ball player, Washington, D.C. wasn't bad either. Neither was our trip to Montreal and Old Quebec City, now that I mention it."

"Don't tell me Stretch played baseball in Montreal" Daisy remarked. "Did he learn to speak French?"

"Well he never really learned to speak English, did he?" Connie observed sardonically. "So why would he learn to speak _zee Francais_?"

"That said, overall, Stretch was a good kid," added Phillip. "Too bad his intellect had somehow been arrested."

"Arrested?" Connie replied. "His intellect was arrested, tried, sentenced, and shot! Still, he was a good kid. I enjoyed teaching _all_ of them . . . though sometimes I wanted to go to a nice quiet sanatorium and take a course in finger painting or peanut art."

"Sometimes" observed Daisy, "I wished I had taught elementary school instead. It is definitely enjoyable being around small children."

"Yes, I once applied for a position at a private elementary school" said Connie. "It is the choice between the delight in teaching small children and the joy of giving a more advanced course. In the end, I decided to teach the teenagers and choose Hamlet over Green Eggs and Ham."

"That wasn't your only reason" Phillip observed. "Why don't you tell Daisy about your nightmare?" The one that suggested you abandon the idea?"

"A nightmare?" inquired Daisy. "Really, you must tell me what happened. You were never the superstitious type."

"Well it was not all nightmare. Nevertheless, it really was quite the dream" said Connie. "I have only ever told Phil and Mrs. Davis. Even after sixty years I remember it as if it were yesterday!"

"Do tell!" encouraged Daisy.

"Yes, Connie" said Phillip. "It sure was something!"

"Very well" started Connie. "It all began. . . ."

Author's Notes

Walter Denton a lawyer? Harriet helped him through law school, and, if anything, Walter Denton was underhanded enough (a joke). Likewise with him becoming a State Senator. All in all, I am surprising Denton was never disbarred in the course of the several decades he practised law. Miss Brooks herself ran into a dishonest lawyer in the (T.V.) episode _Hospital Capers_.

Kicking Walter Denton down the porch steps was a favourite hobby of Mr. Conklin, at least on the radio. A notable example came to pass in the episode _Taking the Rap for Mr. Boynton_.

"Poor" rich kid Gary Nolan, and his father Lawrence Nolan, were characters in the 1956 movie _Our Miss Brooks._

Suzie Prentiss appeared in two radio episodes (_Stretch is in Love _and the _School Band_) and one television episode ("_Suzy Prentiss_" - a remake of "_Stretch is in Love_"). On the radio, she was Stretch's girlfriend, on T.V. she was love interest to Bones.

In the radio episode _Stretch Has a Problem_, after suffering a problematic week, Miss Brooks expresses the wish to retire to an asylum (and wishes George Washington had taken more than one day to be born, so as to prolong the Washington's Birthday holiday). In _Friday the Thirteenth _(radio), Miss Brooks makes an observation regarding Snodgrass's "arrested" intellect to Mrs. Davis.


	4. The Nightmare

**The Nightmare**

"Very well" started Connie. "It all began when I caught the measles and was quarantined in my room at Mrs. Davis's. To make matters worse, Mr. Conklin had caught them from me, and was similarly under quarantine in the same house at the same time. Mrs. Davis's spare room was never that comfortable, and Mr. Conklin was convinced he had missed a presentation in his honour at his club."

"Turned out Mr. Conklin's club wasn't even meeting that month because a pipe burst and flooded it out" observed Phillip. "When the group met again four weeks later, Mr. Conklin was as punctual as ever, and received his reward!"

"We didn't know that for several days" observed Connie. "Meanwhile Mr. Conklin was incorrigible, in an increasingly foul mood, and running Mrs. Davis ragged. Why, he was treating her like a scullery maid! I, of course, could not help. As you remember, the advised treatment for measles at the time was to lie still in a darkened room."

"It was then I received a letter from Mrs. Nestor, of Nestor's Private Elementary Academy."

"That is an excellent institution" observed Daisy. "My son Edgar attended Mrs. Nestor's school. I should think you would have jumped at the opportunity!"

"Mrs. Nestor's academy is a fine place" agreed Connie. "Mrs. Nestor had advertised for employment in the new school year, at a higher salary than I been receiving. At the time Mr. Conklin had been positively oppressive. Furthermore, my finances were in desperate straights. I owed Mrs. Davis a full six weeks back rent, and _her _funds were also short as a result."

"Still, I didn't really want to leave Madison High School, and my friends and pupils. I was especially reluctant to leave a certain biology teacher."

Connie smiled. Phillip blushed red and cleared his throat.

"Mrs. Davis kindly wrote a letter to Mrs. Nestor, explaining I was indisposed and she would need to wait for a reply. I had all the time in the world to consider the matter, being disturbed by nothing but Mr. Conklin's distant bellowing. The darkened room and soft bed were highly conducive to sleep, even with the vexation of a severe case of measles. Mrs. Davis's chicken soup was similarly helpful to my rest and relaxation. As you surely remember, Mrs. Davis was an excellent cook when she wasn't experimenting with new and radical recipes."

"The result was that I slept through much of my illness and dreamed repeatedly the ensuing days. It was then I dreamt that I went to work for Mrs. Nestor."

"Was it so horrible?" Daisy objected.

"Yes" said Connie. "Some portions were not too bad, a few . . . _hours _it seemed, were quite pleasant. Nevertheless, my dream was overloaded with false starts, difficulties and ridiculous complications. Why, no sooner had I fallen asleep than I was fired!"

"Do you remember why you were given the sack?" Daisy asked.

"I should clarify" said Connie. "City council suddenly ordered the demolition of Madison to make way for a freeway. I was given the pink slip and only after some searching found work with Mrs. Nestor."

"Why should they build a freeway through Madison High?" Daisy asked, confused.

"It was a dream, after all" interjected Phillip. "Although dreams often have a relation to one's current concerns and recent events, it isn't required the events described therein be sensible or even physically possible."

"The mayor and city council decided that the frightful city traffic justified such a drastic step" Connie explained. "I suppose they had a point, as I hear the traffic in Los Angeles is dreadful."

"What does Los Angeles have to do with Madison High?" questioned Daisy.

"In my dream, Madison High School had somehow moved to the Los Angeles area" said Connie sarcastically. "Mrs. Davis's house was somewhere in Hollywood while Mrs. Nestor's school had been set down in the San Fernando Valley."

"It sure was ridiculous!" said Phillip.

"It sure was real!" countered Connie, angrily. "_You _were one of the Madison teachers who had retained their positions, and received a transfer to Monroe High . . . wherever that is! You made no effort to see me and immediately went about with an attractive female biologist at your new school!"

"But it was your dream!" Phillip said.

"It was still no reason to drop me like an old suitcase!" Connie replied.

"Was I in your dream?" questioned Daisy.

"No, you had disappeared into the infinite" Connie said in a deadpan tone. "Mr. Conklin was, however. He followed me to Mrs. Nestor's, as my new but old principal . . . but only after I had made the mistake of given him a piece of my mind when I left Madison High for the last time. As for Mrs. Nestor, I had a run in with her when leaving Madison. The end result was I found the two of them were allied against me from the very moment I set foot in my new position!"

"That's absurd" said Daisy.

"Perhaps" replied Connie. "As Alice might say, my dream only became curiouser and curiouser."

"How so?" asked Daisy.

"Mrs. Nestor was replaced at the school by her sister, Mrs. Nestor" started Connie.

"Why would Mrs. Nestor's sister also be named Mrs. Nestor?" Daisy interrupted.

"Two sisters married two brothers, and divorced the same?" Connie shrugged. "I honestly don't know. Nor do I know how Benny Romero, the child from Mexico who had payed a visit to Madison, became my student and a sort of junior Walter Denton."

"We were all fond of young Benny" Phillip submitted. "As a result, he appeared as a character in your subconscious."

"That makes some sense" agreed Connie. "And he was a good friend. So was Mr. Munsee, the Nestor sisters' brother. I don't know what to say about the two successive gym instructors, the Misters Albright and Talbot, who pursued me inexorably with what I presume were less than honourable intentions."

"Really?" asked Daisy.

"So I've heard" sneered Phillip

"While this was going on" continued Connie sternly, "in order to retain my position, I was forced to move to Mrs. Davis's sister Angela's house. Apparently I had to live within so many miles of Mrs. Nestor's school. Mrs. Davis herself followed suit, and then, in a most confounding development, Angela suddenly decided to move out and sell the house to her sister."

"Why did she move?" asked Daisy.

"I suppose she didn't like California and relocated here" suggested Connie sardonically. "No, she built a motel. Very confusing, really."

Daisy shook her head.

"However, Phillip _was _back." Connie continued. "It seemed as if he hadn't received a position at a nearby high school after all. He had moved to _Arizona_ in order to acquire a new job. From that point onward, life at Mrs. Nestor's school seemed implausabily similar to my career at Madison."

"Was that all?" Daisy questioned.

"Oh no" said Connie. "There were several bizarre touches here and there. I imitated a nonexistent identical twin. A wartime black marketer blackmailed me. Mrs. Davis informed me of her past career as a balloon dancer named "Stratosphere Sally." I purchased several fifty-cent magical Christmas musical boxes and distributed them to my friends. Oh yes, out of the blue a maharajah proposed marriage and, fool that I was, I turned him down. Still, I suppose such events are all very much commonplace in the day to day life of _Our Miss Brooks_."

"How thoroughly ridiculous!" Daisy exclaimed.

"Wasn't it?" agreed Connie. "Nevertheless, between the measles, the dream, and my earlier doubts, I decided I _definitely did not _want to switch schools. I informed Mrs. Davis, and sent my regrets to Mrs. Nestor."

"I'm glad you did" said Phillip. "I don't know what I would've done without you."

"I don't know what you would have done without me either" said Connie kindly.

"I suppose it was all for the best" said Daisy. "I just don't hold with making decision based on superstition."

"Superstition?" smiled Connie. "I should tell you about Mrs. Davis and her Uncle Corky's telegram! I still remember when the telegram boy rang the bell. . . ."

The doorbell rang. Connie screamed.

"It's just the mail" said Phillip.

Connie walked over to the door, greeted the mailman and collected a series of fliers.

"Remember when we received actual letters in the mail!" said Daisy wistfully.

"In the old days, even the advertisements were of a superior quality" seconded Connie. "Let us see what we have here. Hmm, this is interesting. A coupon for half-off skydiving lessons. I really don't think so. Here's something. A new tattoo parlour's opening. I think not. The grocery store is having a sale on Hawaiian Cocoanuts, Pineapple and Kiwi. I haven't been enamoured with Hawaiian produce since the mess with the school goat and the school garden. In fact, I believe that was all your fault Daisy!"

"And the fool goat's!" added Phillip.

"Just a harmless prank" said Daisy, uneasily. "I am _truly sorry_. Still, you know, Connie, all's fair in love and war!"

"Well, your harmless prank caused me considerable trouble with Mr. Conklin and the head of the school board, Mr. Stone" said Connie testily.

"It was sixty years ago!" Daisy protested. "And I am _truly sorry_."

"Very well" said Connie, dropping the topic. "Looks like you spoke too soon Daisy! It's an actual letter. _Speaking of sixty years ago_! The letter's from Madison High School."

"Oh do open it!" encouraged Daisy.

Connie walked to a nearby desk, expertly opening the envelope with an old fashioned, knifelike letter opener.

"Well, this is fine" Connie observed acidly. "It's addressed to Mr. Boynton and Ms. Brooks. All my efforts to win my Mrs. and my surname seem to have been for naught, as far as Madison's concerned. Where's Osgood Conklin when you need him, to insist on decorum in school invitations?"

"Go on, Connie' encouraged Phillip, laughing.

"Well, let's see" Connie continued. "Madison High School is having a reunion assembly to celebrate the completion of a new wing and the rehabilitation and renovation of the original building. As old teachers . . . funny they don't use "former" but "old" . . . they cordially invite us to attend as guests of honour. Oh, this is lovely. As along with you, "Ms. Enright" we are among the "_oldest teachers still alive_" in the Madison area, our attendance would be considered a great honour, but only if our "_health permits such an exertion in your advanced years._"

"Humph." snorted Daisy. "Who could have written such a poison pen invitation?"

"The culprits are the "Student Committee for Reunion Planning" said Connie. "I suppose I'm not surprised. Walter Denton, as a high schooler, was always inadvertently intimidating my antiquity. _That_ was when I was still quite young. Add in misplaced political correctness, and you receive this less than flattering invite. Don't smile, Daisy, I'm sure you have your own travesty awaiting you at your son's house!"

"Well I shan't go!" Daisy proclaimed. "Mind, I would have enjoyed the event, but this insult, inadvertent though it may be, is intolerable!"

"I believe we should go for the very same reason" said Connie. "I see it as a challenge. Although we may look our age, I'm not going to be called decrepit before my time. I am not going to let the students allege my advanced years have made me too sickly to attend!"

"I think it will be fun" said Phillip. "I would like to look over old haunts, maybe see what's happened to my biology lab."

"It will be at that" said Connie. "How about we drive you, Daisy? Then at least no one will think we are too old to be motoring along?"

"Oh, all right" Daisy conceded. "I do so want to go."

"The reunion assembly will be held a month from today" said Connie. "I'll email our RSVP's. It might surprise the students to learn we know what a computer is."

Authors' Notes

Fittingly enough, Miss Brooks and Mr. Conklin caught the measles in the radio episode entitled _Measles_.

In the final year of the television series, _Our Miss Brooks_ went through a change of format. City Council suddenly ordered Madison High School torn down for a freeway. Miss Brooks and Mr. Conklin found new employment at Mrs. Nestor's private school. Oddly enough, the setting of _Our Miss Brooks_ (and the "late" Madison High School) is unequivocally said to be in Los Angeles (In the television episode _Who's Who_, Mrs. Davis's house is positioned in the Hollywood area while Mrs. Nestor's school is in the San Fernando Valley_)_.

The concurrent radio program continued as before - at Madison High School. When the movie was released toward the end of 1956, it ignored the move to Mrs. Nestor's. This story will follow suit, and consider the move to Mrs. Nestor's merely a dream of Miss Brook's.

The events described by Miss Brook's in her nightmare are plot points from the final season of the television series.

Miss Brooks suffered money problems throughout the radio and television series. These problems on occasion extended to Mrs. Davis as well.

Early on, the radio program featured a running gag whereby Mrs. Davis made a different strange or exotic dish for breakfast. Examples include "blubber burgers" (whale fried in seal fat), "Armenian pancakes" (soaked in sour goats' milk). Mrs. Davis was more restrained in later radio episodes and on television, although she does have her moments. In _Public Property on Parade_, birds flee her Limburger cheese omelette. In _Life Can Be Bones_,Mrs. Davis's cat Minerva jumps over the fence after sampling some spicy soup.

"Benny Romero" was a student and recurring character in the last season of the television series. The same child actor played the son of Mexican millionaires in the third season episodes _The Miserable Caballero _and _Buddy_.

In the radio episode _Telegram for Mrs. Davis_, Mrs. Davis, Walter Denton, Harriet and Mr. Conklin all refuse to open a telegram as they feared bad news and bad luck. Mrs. Davis insists Miss Brooks do likewise.

In the radio episode _Spring Garden_, Miss Enright takes the school's mascot, a goat, to graze in the school vegetable garden assigned to the care of Miss Brooks. In an effort to hide the missing vegetables, Miss Brooks and Mr. Boynton place produce from the grocery store. Unfortunately, Mrs. Davis supplants their stock with fruit from the then territory of Hawaii.

The radio and television episodes _The Magic Christmas Tree_, feature an attempt by Walter Denton to compliment Miss Brooks. Unfortunately, Denton only ends up implying that she is a very old woman. Walter Denton makes the same mistake on other occasions throughout the series. The radio episode _Mr. Boynton's Parents_, has Walter Denton and Harriet Conklin giving Miss Brooks a "shawl and a handsome pair of knitting needles to go along with the rocking chair she's so attached to." These unwelcome and ill-timed gifts were in "honour" of Miss Brooks being named "Mother away from Mother" on Mother's Day.


	5. An Unexpected Call

**An Unexpected Call**

It was a few days later that Connie was at her desk reviewing her correspondence; email rather than letter mail. In her heart of hearts, Connie missed the opportunity to give a more personal, handwritten missive. However, email was _fast_;it did, after all, have its benefits, apart from demonstrating to snarky students her familiarity with today's technology.

"Do you feel like a walk in the park today?" asked Phillip, sitting on the chair beside her.

"I do" said Connie. "But no frog hunting!"

She smiled and kissed her husband.

"Just let me finish reviewing my mail."

"So, are the kids coming to the reunion?" Phillip asked. "When I called Tom and Liz they weren't too sure whether they could make it."

"No, unfortunately they can't" said Connie, sadly. "Too little notice and a very inopportune time. A highway engineer and a botanist can't change their plans on a dime. And their children, of course, never lived in Madison or attended Madison High, so we won't be seeing them either."

"At least they will be visiting this summer" sighed Phillip. "It's tough having . . . let's see . . . two out of three of your children, seven out of nine of your grandchildren, and your one great-grandchild living a hundred miles away!"

"No need to keep score" Connie gently chided. "But, as you pointed out in your unique way, at least our youngest Eve and her husband will be coming. Robert and Rachel will also be driving home from college to see their old friends from Madison . . . not to mention their old grandparents!"

"Still, we would have enjoyed having the entire family" said Philip.

"Yes" said Connie. She paused, then added in a passion: "You know, the more I think about it, whoever organized this reunion seems to _want _to suppress turnout. The rude letter and the short notice deliberately serve to exclude anyone who doesn't live in the Madison area or isn't a recent graduate. Why, Walter and Harriet Denton didn't even know about the assembly, and they are two of our most distinguished alumni!"

"_Our_, Connie?" questioned Phillip. "We haven't taught at Madison for decades."

"_Our_, Phillip. Don't you have a certain pride in Madison, our beloved old prison . . . er, school? I'm sure you would be furious if State College threw a reunion and made so many marble-headed errors!"

Phillip considered the matter for a moment.

"Jumping Jehoshaphat!" said Phillip, at last. "I sure would. You're right. How could the school let things slide like this?"

"It's enough to make me jump higher than Jehoshaphat!" agreed Connie. "I wonder why the faculty advisor to the student's committee would standby and let them make these wretched errors."

If on cue, the telephone rang.

Phillip went to answer. Connie was only able to hear her husband's one-sided conversation. Words and phrases such as "Speaking;" "Yes;" "Of course;" "Well, given the circumstances, we were none too impressed;" "We'll be happy too;" "No, I'm sure it's fine with Mrs. Boynton."

"Guess who is going to be here in a few minutes!" said Phillip, when he had finished. "And guess what he is!"

"Is it somebody we know?" asked Connie.

"No."

"Oh great" said Connie. "We're going to have a houseguest any minute and he wants me to play _What's My Line_!"

"The faculty advisor to the Student Committee for Reunion Planning" said Phillip. "He's coming over here during his free period. Why, I bet he's coming over to apologize and invite us personally!"

"That _is_ better" said Connie, thoughtfully. "Well, he's probably going to get a frosty reception from "Ms. Enright," but we'll be ready to give him a warm welcome . . . with some warm coffee I suppose. Heaven knows I've made some mistakes in my time, and would have appreciated some sympathy . . . instead, I had my head bitten off by Mr. Conklin. I believe allowances should be made."

"Sure" said Phillip. "Why, after all, I still remember the time when Madison was supposed to play the championship game at Clay City and you. . . ."

"Never mind that" said Connie swiftly. "What's the name of our young colleague?"

"Er, Fred Field" said Phillip.

"Alliterative" observed Connie. "A good sign for an English teacher."

Like a growing number of nonagenarians, Connie and Phillip were able to maintain their home and their lifestyle without help. Before long, they had a pot of coffee and some homemade cookies set out.

"These are excellent, Connie" said Phillip, tasting a cookie. "I remember when we were first married, you as often as not had us go to Mrs. Davis to eat. Or have her or Mother come here to cook for us."

"Mrs. Davis deserves much of the credit" said Connie, modestly. "Your mother as well. When I retired from teaching, I really hit the cookbooks . . . and I couldn't have had better teachers."

As if in agreement, Mrs. Davis seemed to wink as the morning sun glowed through the window and shone upon her portrait.

Authors' Notes

"Marble-head" was a favoured epithet at Madison High School, at least as far as Mr. Conklin was concerned. Mr. Conklin's nickname, "Old Marble-head," was first mentioned on the radio in the episode "Conklin's Carelessness Code." The televison equivalent was, appropriately enough, "Old Marble-head."

Miss Brooks was, unfortunately, rather accident prone. In the television episode _Home Cooked Meal_, for example, she locked Mr. Conklin in a freezer and caused an explosion in Mr. Boynton's kitchen. On another occasion, she unknowingly sold Madison High School (the T.V. episode Kritch Cave). Perhaps her most severe error, as far as Madison was concerned, was her leaving Mr. Conklin and the football team behind in Madison on the day of the game with Clay City. This error occurred in the radio program _Game at Clay City_, and its television equivalent _Clay City Chaperone_.

For one example of an active nonagenarian, see Hazel McCallion, longtime mayor of Mississauga, Ontario, Canada.

Miss Brooks was a bad cook, by her own admission. In the radio episode _Weekend at Crystal Lake_, Miss Brooks notes her speciality was canned soup. In another radio episode, _Miss Enright's Dinner_, Miss Brooks has Mrs. Davis prepare a recipe for Boston Stew (a fake recipe that Walter Denton invented as a prank on Miss Enright). In the aforementioned T.V. episode, _Home Cooked Meal_, she again has Mrs. Davis cook for her, surreptitiously bringing a turkey to Mr. Boynton's apartment.

Fortunately, years of tutelage at the side of Mrs. Davis have improved her skills.


	6. Flummoxed by Field

**Flummoxed by Field**

No sooner had the Boyntons finished preparing the table for their visitor, than they were disturbed by a screeching of brakes. A Chevy Volt had raced up the street, made a quick U-turn, and parked ineptly on the curb in front of the house.

Moments later, the doorbell rang.

"Well, here we go" Connie said.

She opened the door to reveal a short, slender young man in fashionably scruffy clothes.

"Hello, you must be Mr. Field" Connie began courteously. "I'm Constance Boynton, and this is my husband Phillip."

"Pleased to meet you" said Phillip.

"Hmm" leered Field, as he looked dismissively at the couple. "Just as I feared. No need for last names, you two. Much too old school and bourgeois, you understand. Philip and Constance, are you? Surely you do not call each other _that_?"

Phillip and Connie were both taken aback; Connie recovered first.

"No, but _you will._" Connie responded acidly. "Your real name must be _Frederick_. Now that's a name that really rolls off the tongue!"

"We should stick to last names" added Phillip quickly, but in a very baffled tone. "I believe it's more professional that way."

"_I am _your guest, I suppose" said Field, in a smug monotone.

"Won't you come in?" Connie said in a jaundiced voice.

The Boynton's and their guest went to the dining room table.

"I've made us some chocolate chip cookies and some fresh coffee" offered Connie, attempting a more relaxed tone, although she viewed her guest doubtfully.

"The cookies are very good" tried Mr. Boynton, sitting in the nearest chair. "They're from a recipe of Mrs. Davis'."

"Hmm" said Field, again, as he sat himself at the head of the table and looked skeptically at his plat. "Do you use ethical chocolate and ethical coffee?" he demanded.

"How can chocolate chips and coffee be ethical?" asked Phillip, looking dubiously at the cookies. "They're inanimate."

"I've heard of ethical coffee" Connie observed. "It's coffee . . . and I suppose cocoa beans as well . . . certified harvested by workers treated under fair conditions. It's nice to hear you care so much about others! To answer your question, Mr. Field, unfortunately, no. I'm afraid it's just ordinary coffee and chocolate chips from the supermarket."

"Then I will not have any' said Field. "_Of course_, you understand. At any rate, I prefer a hazelnut French vanilla latte from the Starbucks near State. At all other times, I try to live by the hundred mile rule."

"The hundred mile rule?" questioned Phillip.

"He doesn't eat anything that's not grown within a hundred miles of home" Connie observed tartly. "If I knew, I would have made oatmeal cookies instead. Or better yet, Pensacola Popovers."

Connie winked at Phillip, who burst out laughing. Mrs. Davis' Pensacola Popover recipe was an unusual lapse on the part of Connie's late landlady; Pensacola Popovers were guaranteed to make man and beast sick or even unconscious.

"Are you sure you won't have anything?" asked Connie.

"Some Sierra Springs water, I would think" said Field. "It's another of _my _exceptions. Pure water from a progressive company is worth the environmental cost."

"Unfortunately, we only have the local Madison Reservoir variety" Connie joked. "However, I am happy to say it _does _meets the hundred mile requirement."

"Isn't she a corker?" Phillip told Field, as Connie went to the nearby sink to fill Field's cup.

"Hmm, "corker," must be some sort of antiquated slang" said Field after a moment's pause. "I suppose Madison water will do this once." To the returning Connie, he added "_Ms._ Boynton. You've taken your husband's name, I hear?"

"Why, yes" said Connie, surprised and somewhat annoyed at the question. "Everybody . . . well, every woman did back in 1956. If you knew how long I worked at winning the title _Mrs. Boynton_, you wouldn't be so surprised!"

She ended on a note of strained joviality.

Field slowly turned his gaze onto Connie, while his previously vacant expression sank into a deep glower.

"Hmm" he sneered. "It's _positively shocking _that a professional such as yourself should be such a willing slave to the patriarchy."

"You're out of line, buster!" said Philip, who rose from his chair in a speed remarkable for a man of his years.

As for Connie, she slammed the requested glass of water on the table in front of Field, splashing water into his face.

"Now listen you!" she said furiously. "Since the moment we opened the door you've returned our hospitality with insults and snide remarks! I will have you know that our coffee and cookies may not be ethical, but we are! When I was still Miss Brooks . . . _Ms_. may be preferred now and may well be better . . . nevertheless, _I defy you to tell me what I should call myself_ . . . I met and fell in love with Mr. Boynton. I wished to marry him and I did. I wished to raise a family and I did. I wished to take his name _and I did_. Maybe I would not have retired from teaching to the extent I did, but I was and am quite happy with the course my life has taken. My choices were my own and _not that of a patriarchy_."

"You are disgraceful" spat Field. "I _knew _that in coming here I would be talking to _artifacts_ from another age. To think such a meek conformist such as yourself would be placed in the position of a role model to Madison's youth. Am I ever happy that the fifties are over!"

"IF you _dare _lay a hand on me" Field quickly added, for Phillip was drawing back for a punch, "I will have you hauled away by the police! I have influence in this town, backward though Madison may be!"

There was a second of deadly silence.

"I don't care" said Phillip dangerously. "Many years ago, Connie . . . that's Mrs. Boynton _to you_ . . . joshed me about defending her honour. I'm willing to fight you if you don't apologise to the wittiest, kindest, and more beautiful woman I've ever known!"

"Why, thank you Phil!" said Connie appreciatively, momentarily forgetting their unpleasant guest.

"As quaint an idea as it is retrograde" Field said slickly, as he gazed icily at Phillip. "Fisticuffs will only get a brute like you a stiff prison sentence."

"Any jury in their right mind will take Phillip's side should it come to fighting, you cretinous oaf" Connie said passionately. "I'll have you know that I was . . ._ I am _. . . a pretty good teacher, and a very good role model. I dislike bragging, but I taught English to a good many students and taught it well. As for being a good role model, I am happy to say I have led many children though a good deal of problems. I am proud to have taught students that have grown to be newspaper editors, novelists, lawyers, doctors, and professional athletes. _They all _consider me a friend, and all consider my influence to have been a positive factor in their lives!"

"Hear, hear!" said Phillip.

"Hmm" said Field, still sitting and now brassily drinking his glass of water. "Taught, positive factor? That's not saying much, _is it_? I'm a positive factor in my girlfriend's life, and it's from me that she currently draws all her knowledge and inspiration."

"If that's the case, she must be an unfortunate girl indeed" noted Connie.

"What, exactly, did you teach?" said Field, pretending to ignore the last remark.

"Why, English, of course" said Connie. "Shakespeare, Dickens, Elliot, Tennyson. Grammar and punctuation. The parts of speech. The parts of a sentence. Essay writing and types of verse. . . ."

"In other words" sneered Field, "garbage."

"Garbage?" objected Phillip. "If that's garbage . . . then what _should _be taught in English?"

"Nonconformity" said Field, quickly shifting into a self-congratulatory tone. "Defiance against the Madison establishment and its unprogressive views. The social justice this town needs. Protesting our unenlightened bourgeois politicians."

"Why, you are nothing but a conformist yourself!" observed Connie. "Only it's _your views _that your students must conform to. From what you tell me, you merely stand upon a soapbox and propagandise. You neglect your _real job _. . . that of teaching the English language and introducing children to the great works of literature."

"As a teacher, you're supposed to teach your students facts, not political opinion" Phillip added. "You're supposed to give them the knowledge and the skills that will allow them to pursue your subject and apply it in their future life and career."

"Whether it is nouns or frogs" added Connie, "teaching children is far too important an undertaking to be taken so cavalierly."

"Typical antiquated thinking" said Field smugly. "Your idea of an English class is to lock your students away, forcing them to study dead irrelevants and grammatical trivia. People like you have made Madison the cultural and political backwater it is today! Thankfully, my tutelage is finally having some results. Just yesterday, I took my classes on a field trip to protest outside our loathsome state senator's constituency office. That revolting reactionary, Walter Denton, is retiring this year and with luck we'll be able to. . . ."

"Walter Denton?" Phillip exclaimed. "Reactionary!"

He burst into laughter.

"The fact that you consider Walter Denton, of all people, to be reactionary shows yourself as the deluded fool you are" Connie noted. "Now, there was an occasion where I taught a civics class, and in an open-ended discussion may have gone overboard in criticizing a corrupt city administration. Even then, however, I would never have _prescribed my students' thoughts_."

"It _is _my role to guide my students to enlightenment" said Field testily. "The world is my classroom; I simply lead my students to the right way of thought and insulate them from reactionist viewpoints. _That's_ the reason I have come to your miserable cottage. _I knew _most of Madison's elderly hold views that are inappropriate for the student environment. _The question is how can we prevent certain persons from contaminating the said student environment? _Now, banning former students is difficult. It is a reunion after all. However, I can prevent certain geezer teachers from attending."

"You're banning us from the reunion?" Phillip exclaimed.

"By what authority?" asked Connie.

"As the faculty advisor to the Student Committee for Reunion Planning I have that authority" said Field. "Of course I had tried to salvage your feelings."

"Oh?" Connie said sarcastically. "How?"

"Hmm" said Field. "I see my efforts weren't appreciated by the likes of you. I attempted to discourage you and certain other individuals from attending. Short notice reduced the number of old grads who'd wish to attend. "Old" teachers were described as such. I managed to omit certain people . . . even students . . . from the invitation list altogether. I didn't want Walter Denton prattling at the event. However, since _you _spilled the beans I may need to allow his attendance . . . maybe he'll stay away if he knows he'll be greeted by firm dissent. Even if he's stupid enough to attend, I'll have some choice words for him when Madison High's No. 1 Teacher makes his big speech."

"I doubt Madison's principal will allow your conduct to go unchallenged" said Phillip.

"Mr. Darwell does whatever I tell him to do." said Field triumphantly. "He's been told to comply ever since he tried to prevent my assuming of editorial control over our quaint paper, the _Madison Monitor_. _You see_, Mr. Stone, the grandson of the same Mr. Stone who ruled the Board of Education back in your day, _is my uncle _and lets me do as I please."

"Very bourgeois" Connie observed. "Very monarchial too."

"Whatever" said Field dismissively. "The fact remains you won't be attending."

"What if we tell Mr. Stone everything you told us?" said Phillip. "I don't think he'll approve of your rigging Madison's big high school reunion."

"Hmm" smirked Field. You _would _try to curry favour with my uncle. Too bad. _I admit_, he's not as progressive as I would like. Even so, he's not going to believe a pair of senile nonagenarians."

"Phil, don't!" tried Connie, but too late. Field had a black eye, courtesy of Phillip Boynton.

"Well, Field" said Connie sardonically, "What's it like, getting a black eye from an ninety-two year old man!"

"Neanderthals!" screamed Field.

He fled the house, rushed into his Volt, and sped away.

_Authors' Notes_

Mrs. Davis bakes _Pensacola Popovers _in the radio episode of the same name. Walter Denton relates that the cookies made him sick as a dog. Mr. Boynton's pet frog McDougall licks one and starts hopping around upon his head. Mr. Conklin has a couple popovers and has such a bad stomachache he believes he is dying. As for Mr. Boynton, he eats a few and initially enjoys them; however, he eventually passes out and ends up in the hospital.

On occasion, Mr. Conklin had feared Miss Brooks marrying and leaving Madison. Mr. Conklin believed good English teachers to be hard to find. Mr. Conklin leapt to the conclusion that Miss Brooks was marrying on at least two occasions. He rushed to stop a wedding in _The Wrong Mrs. Boynton_ (T.V.) and _Professorship at State U_ (Radio equivalent). Similarly, in the episode _June Bride_, Mr. Conklin believes Miss Brooks is getting married although she is merely a stand-in at a proxy wedding.

In the radio episode _Walter v. Stretch Grudge Match_, Miss Brooks inquires of Mr. Boynton if he'd defend her honour should she be insulted. Mr. Boynton does not even understand the question.

In the television episode, _The Novelist, _former student turned novelist Terrence Layton visits Miss Brooks.

For better or worse, Miss Brooks usually becomes involved in her students' problems. For better, in the case of the students; for worse, in terms of her peace of mind. Walter Denton frequently embroiled Miss Brooks in his problems and schemes, i.e. _Cure that Habit _(radio and television). Nevertheless, Miss Brooks viewed helping children as an integral and rewarding part of her career, as evidence in her conversation with Lawrence Nolan in the movie.

Miss Brooks became entangled in politics twice. In the radio program_ Student Government Day_, she fills for the Civics teacher, gets carried away and condemns the corrupt municipal government under Mayor Rimson. In the movie, Mr. Conklin virtually drafts her into being his campaign manager in the race for the new position of Coordinator of Education.

The first episode of the series is called _First Day_ (radio). Here, Mr. Conklin assumes the principalship from Mr. Darwell. Mr. Darwell is again referenced in _Letter from the Education Board_ (radio) and its television equivalent, _Spare that Rod_. Interestingly, Miss Brooks is said to have predated Mr. Conklin at Madison in these episodes.

In the latter episode _Borrowing Money to Fly _(radio) and the movie, Mr. Conklin had already principal long before Miss Brooks had arrived. Should the issue arise, the story will view the latter continuity as fact . . . Mr. Conklin was already at Madison when Miss Brooks arrived to teach in 1948. The Mr. Darwell in this story is, like this story's Mr. Stone, a grandson of the original.

In _Our Miss Brooks _(radio, television, and movie), the name of the school's paper was the _Madison Monitor_. Walter Denton was editor, and Miss Brooks faculty advisor.

Phillip Boynton rarely lost his temper, or threatened anyone physically. There are, however, at least two exceptions. In _Angela's Wedding_ (T.V.), he nearly gets into a fight with Madison's gym teacher. In the movie, he threatens Lawrence Nolan after Mrs. Davis suggests Nolan might have dishonourable intentions toward Miss Brooks.

Field is a caricature of the self-righteous, politically activist teachers and professors that appear in media from time to time. It is unlikely that there exists any teacher so hypocritical, arrogant and ignorant in real life; leastways, to Field's extreme. Such a throughly bad teachers as Field is a prime candidate to be brought down by a great teacher like Our Miss Brooks.


	7. Denton Schemes Again

**Denton Schemes Again**

Fred Field was true to his word, within a half an hour a police office showed up to take Mr. and Mrs. Boynton's statements. Fortunately, Officer Waldemar "Fuzz" Snodgrass (grandson of Bones Snodgrass) must have been a "reactionary" himself, as he left laughing and predicting no charges would be laid. Or as Fuzz Snodgrass himself put it:

"There ain't gonna be no charges, hardly, because a gen-read-attic teacher gave a shiner to a twenty-something one. 'specially since that guy had it coming."

In spite of Officer Snodgrass's ungrammatical assurances, Phillip wasted no time in calling the law firm of Denton and Denton. Harriet was long retired, and Walter still in the state capitol. However, as a special favour, rather than get a junior lawyer, the receptionist called Harriet Denton nee Conklin at home. Harriet advised Phillip to give no further interviews with the police. Phillip was, in fact, told he had said too much already.

As for Connie, she wasted no time in emailing Mr. Stone, head of the Board of Education. She related Field's ban on their attendance from the Madison High Reunion. After a brief telephone call with Daisy, Connie discovered the former Miss Enright was the victim of a like snub. Daisy had already telephoned Mr. Stone to complain about his nephew's behaviour.

* * *

The next morning at breakfast, Connie discussed matters with Phillip.

"It seems we will be attending the reunion after all" Connie told Phillip. "Daisy too. Mr. Stone sent us an email saying he would be glad to have us and Daisy at the reunion. _All _teachers and former students are invited."

"So what did he say about his nephew?" Phillip asked. "Hopefully Mr. Stone reins him in."

"Very little" said Connie, gloomily. "Mr. Stone believes that _we were mistaken_ or simply misunderstood. Field must have convinced him we were in our dotage. Phil, it frustrates me to know that a phony like that should have so much power at Madison!"

"Calm down, Connie" said Phillip. "At least we'll be attending the reunion. That'll make Field burnup."

"Yes" said Connie wickedly. "But only figuratively, not literally."

"There you go joshing again" Phillip said. "Still, I have just the idea. You can write a letter to the editor of the _Madison Express_. I'm sure Gary Nolan will print it."

"I guess so" said Connie. "However, I would like to do more to force Field to _teach._ Or, failing that, just have him fired outright."

"He really must have gotten your goat if you want him fired" Phillip observed.

"He got it very baaaad," said Connie, imitating a goat. "I know it's not like me to want someone to lose his job, but he's a complete incompetent! English is a mandatory subject through Grade Twelve, _as it should be_. The students need it if they are going to read, write and comprehend with the proficiency they need as adults. Particularly those kids going on to college! The children need a proper teacher, not a protesting coach!"

"Well, maybe, it's not so bad" tried Phillip. "Maybe that Field was exaggerating. He must teach _some _English. After all. . . ."

The doorbell interrupted him.

"I'll get it" Phillip said.

Phillip answered the door, to a man seemingly in his fifties but actually much older.

"Greeting and salutations, to the flower of the Madison faculty!" said Walter Denton to Connie's general direction. "How are my two favourite high school teachers and legal clients?"

Walter Denton's voice was no longer so squeaky, yet when eager he still demonstrated some of his voice's old discordant habits. The words faculty and clients were particularly cacophonous.

"Not bad, Walter" said Connie.

"You're still having breakfast?" Walter asked.

"Yes, would you like some" said Connie, knowing that inviting Walter to breakfast was almost like inviting Garfield the cat.

"Of course. There's nothing I like better than Mrs. Davis's cooking, that is to say Mrs. Davis's cooking as interpreted by your culinary arts."

Connie and Phillip were happy to learn that Harriet and the Denton children and grandchildren were doing just well. Connie, however, was less than happy to see that Walter's appetite was as ravenous as ever.

"Would you like some chocolate chip cookies, Walter?" she asked. "I should warn you though, they're not ethical."

"Huh?" said Walter, giving a perplexed look that made him look like a superannuated version of the teenager he once was. "Oh, yeah, you mean that ethical food deal? No, I don't care where I get my food."

"Reactionary" scolded Connie.

"That reminds me" laughed Walter, "I almost forgot why I rushed home yesterday! You've had a run in with Madison's newest asset, that Field kid!"

"Nothing serious" said Connie casually. "A few insults here and there, Field's now fielding a black eye . . . the usual."

"Jeepers" said Walter. "Are you ever lucky you have me to smooth things over! You know Field was at the police station yesterday afternoon. He kept insisting the chief press charges, and even tried to get Fuzz fired!"

"Over a black eye?" questioned Phillip. "Who is that Field to think he's so important?"

"Field, as you know by now, is Mr. Stone's nephew" Walter explained. "But more than that, his father's from a family of high mucky muck multimillionaires in the big city. They consider everybody who doesn't see things their way to be some sort of extremist. And gee,_ their way _is really for the birds! But they've been successful in electing city and state reps, back home, who parrot their views."

"Back home seems like a veritable paradise, to Field that is;" Connie observed.

"What made him come to Madison?" said Phillip. "I'd think he'd never want to leave his hometown."

"As I hear it, Field wanted to _civilize hostile redneck areas_ to his family's standards" Walter complained. "Since Mr. Stone could get him a job here, Madison was a natural fit."

"Lucky us" observed Connie sarcastically. "I wouldn't have known I was a hostile redneck without him!"

"The guy's a kook." Walter put in. "You've got no idea how many letters he's written to me, how many protests I've gotta put up with over the most crazy things! A few weeks ago he insisted I try to amend the _Water and Sewers Act_, because the term manhole's insulting to female sewer workers! Six months ago it was the _Municipal Act_. He wants me to stop towns from using the term_ Alderman_ instead of the gender neutral Councillor. _And of course_, he took a class of his on a field trip to the state capital. The kids marched around with signs proclaiming "_Denton is a Misogynist_."

"He has a right to protest whatever he likes" Phillip pointed out. "It's the brainwashing of his students that is the problem."

"That's one of the reasons he had that shiner coming!" gloated Walter.

"It's too bad that when he ran out of here he didn't keep on running . . . home to his parents" Connie added.

"It would make my party's primary decision and this year's election easier" said Walter. "Na, but I know just how to get him out of town before he can do any more damage at Madison High."

"Aren't you and Connie overreacting?" said Phillip. "He may be a poor excuse for a teacher, but he is only one man."

"One man who's on the fast track to be principal" Walter Denton observed. "Next year he meets the board's seniority requirements; it's the only thing holding him back right now!"

"That will be a disaster" said Phillip.

"Worse" echoed Connie.

"That's why I've formulated a clever scheme to force out him out of Madison High" said Walter.

"How?" asked Phillip.

"Humiliation" Walter replied eagerly. "Pure, unadulterated, humiliation. Once he loses all self respect, his poor deluded dream of bullying everyone to his point of view's gonna crash!"

"It seems harsh, Walter" said Connie, skeptically. "Nevertheless, I suppose his family's millions and his hometown crowd of sycophants will undoubtedly aid his recovery. So long as we don't do anything improper, I suppose I can hear your idea."

"When have I done anything improper?" demanded Walter.

"Would you like the list in alphabetical order?" Connie replied.

"Never mind" Walter insisted. "This scheme is on the up and up! I've been talking to Gary Nolan, and he's made room on his T.V. station's schedule for a debate. Field's already accepted, he's the faculty advisor on the debate team and thinks himself a natural!"

"I'm surprised he even allows his students a two sided debate" Connie observed.

"He doesn't" said Walter. "He just tells the team the one side they _are_ on, and has them brainstorm arguments to support it. Then he has them rehearsing putdowns for anyone or anything that doesn't meet the Field world view."

"It sounds thoroughly repulsive" said Connie angrily. "Why, when I was a faculty advisor to the debating team, I allowed a free range of discussion. If you remember, Walter, we even discussed whether being a school teacher was an appropriate career."

"Exactly" said Walter triumphantly. "That's why I want to set you up to debate Field on live television!"

"Me!" Connie exclaimed. "You're setting me up all right!"

"You're perfect" said Phillip.

"I think so too" said Walter. "So does Harriet, Gary, and even Mrs. Leblanc! You're going to out debate him left and right (_Walter made a couple of punching motions_). You're gonna show everybody what a creep he is!"

"Even if I were to agree, why would he agree to debate me of all people?" Connie asked.

"You probably don't know this" Walter answered, "but there's a big contest at the Madison Reunion Assembly for the No. 1 Madison Teacher of all time."

"Field did mention he'd be making a speech as No. 1 teacher" Phillip observed. "But I thought he was just bragging about how great he is!"

"No, it's a contest, Mr. Boynton" Walter replied. "I found out it was supposed to be a legit contest to honour everybody's favourite teacher, and heap loads of praise on faculty from every era. But Field wanted the title for bragging and propaganda rights. He threatened that anyone in the faculty who ran against him would be fired and blacklisted courtesy of Mr. Stone and the Field millions! And retired teachers? He threatened economic strangulation!"

"That's ridiculous!" said Connie.

"But true!" Walter insisted. "Cross my heart! That's why I've entered your name. . . ."

"My name!" Connie exclaimed.

"Yes, who else is the best teacher of all time . . . no offence Mr. Boynton."

"I _might_ have a claim to the title" said Phillip modestly. "But I guess when push comes to shove I'd vote for Connie as well."

Connie gave Phillip an appreciative kiss.

"Given her own granddaughter's a kindergarten teacher Mrs. Leblanc has no interest in running and incurring the wrath of the Fields" Walter continued. "Besides you've always been way more popular than Old Lady Enright!"

"That's Old Lady Brooks for you," replied Connie sardonically, "the most popular girl of the geriatric set. Still, tell me Walter. What's to stop Field from "economically strangling" me?"

"Shucks, you and Mr. Boynton have nothing to fear!" said Walter. "You're both in your nineties, what can he do to you? I mean talk about the autumn of your lives!"

"At the age of seventy-five you're well into October yourself!" Connie said bitingly.

"That came out wrong" said Walter, in lieu of an apology. "I mean, what's he gonna do to retired folks on a pension! I mean, all he could do is take it out on your kids or grand-kids."

"Do you think he'd actually take it out on them?" inquired Connie, concerned.

"He's mean enough" said Walter, "but I don't think he's thought of it yet. Besides, none of your children or grandchildren are teachers, so it'll be harder. Anyway, _they_ can always move, if worst comes to worse. I don't think the Fields have too much power out of state."

"That's a great comfort" said Connie sarcastically.

"Don't worry" bragged Walter. "I've got enough influence to get them new jobs . . . somewhere."

"That's not the point" said Connie. "We can't risk ruining their lives and careers this way."

"We need to, Connie" said Phillip. "Can you really standby and give Field the run of the Madison High? Think of all the times you took a chance to help your students."

"Just think of all the times you've bailed me out!" added Walter.

"You may be right, Phil" said Connie, after a moment's pause. "I can't just stand aside."

"Great!" said Walter. "The debate's going to be about the role of the modern teacher in secondary education. The winner there is likely to capture the bulk of the vote at the reunion assembly."

"While I believe I can out debate Field" said Connie, in a measured tone, "the modern aspect places me at a disadvantage. Why, I believe he will spend half the time making snide remarks about my age. Even if I do win, Field's ensured that the alumni will be under represented at the assembly. My students . . . that is, my students from the years I was teaching full-time . . . are all your age! All Field needs to do is muster the present undergraduates to win the vote."

"Don't be too sure" said Walter. "Field isn't as popular as he thinks. Sure, not giving any real tests or exams is gonna win a lot of support . . . but I bet the kids don't think he's as cool as he figures he is."

"Still I will need a lot of luck. Luck, and a good deal of preparation" Connie noted.

"Na, what you need is strategy" said Walter. "When Field was at the police station, he was ranting and raving like mad. You've really crossed him up. The idea that you and Phillip could argue with him, laugh at him and throw him out . . . and nearly punch him out . . . really pushed him off his gourd. Besides, _you pretty much invited me to the Reunion Assembly_. Jeepers! All you've got to do is talk and look reasonable, while slowly pushing Field off the diving board and into the deep end!"

"It does sound like an intelligent way to proceed" agreed Phillip.

"Yes" said Connie reluctantly. "It is for the best that I take him on."

"Great!" said Walter. "'cause I've already signed you up for that live debate. You're gonna knock 'em dead."

"Knock 'em dead!" Connie exclaimed. "I'll knock _you_ dead, Walter Denton, signing me up without my permission!"

Walter Denton jumped up.

"Now, Mrs. Boynton, you've already agreed. I've . . . got to go. Call Gary Nolan for details!"

Walter Denton was out of the room, and the house, in a flash.

"That's Walter Denton for you!" laughed Phillip.

"Classic Denton" observed Connie. "To think, he's been State Senator Denton for the past twenty-five years."

Authors' Notes

The "Fuzz" is an old slang term for the police. Waldemar Snodgrass follows family tradition in possessing terrible grammar, an odd name, and being always referred to by his nickname.

_Our Miss Brooks_ used the phrase "children" instead of teenagers throughout all its iterations. At the time the programs and movie were made, the word "teenager" had yet to be popularized. Miss Brooks continues to use children out of force of habit, and is technically correct in so doing.

I should point out that the criticism in this story is not of Field's politics _per se_, but his using his teaching position to preach them and censor opposing views. Field's crimes are his assault against intellectual freedom and his malfeasance in his chosen profession. Really, it's Field's conceit and sense of entitlement that has made him unfit.

Walter Denton pulled off several pranks during the series. Frequently, Mr. Conklin was the victim of Walter's practical jokes. _Cure that Habit_ (radio and television) featured Walter writing to an alcoholic's support group in Mr. Conklin's name. _Friday the Thirteenth_ (radio) had Walter nail a picture of Mr. Conklin's head on the bulletin board, a picture of his head positioned over a picture of Miss Brooks' body in a French bathing suit. _Free T.V. From Sherry's _(radio) and _Wild Goose _(T.V.) see Walter trick Mr. Conklin into believing he won a free television set. _Board of Education Day _(radio) and _Marinated Hearing_ (television), in part, feature a scheme by Walter to fire an old cannon. In _Letter from the Education Board _(radio) and _Spare that Rod _(T.V.) he alters a letter to trick Mr. Conklin into believing he's about to be fired. _Mr. Conklin's Induction Notice_ (radio, the last half of the episode is sadly unavailable) has Walter alter an old draft notice to bear Mr. Conklin's name. In _Mr. Conklin is Honoured_, Walter makes a prank call claiming Mr. Stone will present Mr. Conklin with a plaque. Finally, in _Turnabout Day_ (T.V.), Walter writes a fraudulent letter in Mr. Stone's name to green light his pet project. Amazingly, this is a non-exhaustive list.

In _The Model School Teacher _(radio) and _The Model Teacher _(T.V.), Miss Brooks is a faculty advisor to a student group that debates if being a school teacher is an appropriate career, given the low pay.

How does Walter Denton know of Field's actions at Madison and at police headquarters? As a longtime state senator he had connections all over town.


	8. Connie at the TV Studio

**Connie at the T.V. Studio**

It was fine Sunday afternoon that Connie and Phillip found themselves at Madison's television station, WXQX, a ME TV affiliate broadcasting on 2-1 and 2-2. The station's downtown headquarters had once been the ritzy _Empire Hotel_. When Connie had arrived in Madison, a radio station had rented room at the top of the building, all the better to broadcast big band music from the top floor ballroom. Now home to the TV station as well, the station enveloped the entire building, which despite a new coat of whitewash was now showing its age.

Connie and Phillip rode the ancient, creaking elevator to the top floor.

"If there's anything I don't like" observed Connie, "It's an elevator that's nearly as old as I am!"

"It's not that old" said Phillip, unhelpfully. "If it were as old as we are, then it would be manually operated."

The top floor looked as if he had been unchanged since the forties. Gary Nolan, who was waiting for their arrival, certainly had changed. He was no older than Walter Denton, but his hair was white and he had shrunken in on himself.

"Mrs. Boynton" said Nolan, "Just the lady I have been waiting to see. Follow me, that's Studio 10B on the right. You might remember it used to be the hotel ballroom. We hardly ever use it anymore, it's for taping dinners, award ceremonies, dance offs, that sort of thing. Here's the control room for Studios 10A and 10B. That's where I'm going to be watching the show along with my director, that is to say, my daughter Charlotte. Now way down the hall here, this is Studio 10A. This was the original radio station, opened in 1928. Dad converted it to T.V. broadcasting about the time you came to Madison, and moved the radio station to an office above the lobby on the second floor. Even after dad bought the whole building in '59, it stayed our news studio until the seventies. It really hasn't been used since then, but we've taken it out of mothballs for you."

Gary Nolan led the way into a small room panelled with faded, old-fashioned wallpaper and oversized television cameras and tonnes of heavy black cords crisscrossing the floor. A large window stood opposite the cameras, giving a view of some of the largest buildings in downtown Madison. Before that was an old anchor's desk, upon which had been set two podiums. A few chairs were placed off to the side of the room. The air was very stale and everything was covered with dust.

"Why are you hiding me away way up here?" asked Connie. "It seems to me as if this is the smallest and worst studio in the building!"

"It is" said Nolan. "But I told Field this was the only room available."

"Why did you do that?" asked Phillip.

"First" said Nolan, "I hate the guy as much as Walter Denton does. He's always trying to get me to print his letters to the editor. He claims the _Express _has an _antediluvian _bias. The jerk also went complained to the FCC; he demanded my license be revoked in favour of a more _progressive _station."

"You seem to have forgotten that I'm also going to spend the next few hours in this cramped dust trap" said Connie pointedly.

"_You_, Field, the moderator, but _no audience members_" said Nolan. "That's my second reason, the cramped space means I can prevent Field from bringing in his toadies."

"Toads?" questioned Phillip.

"He means sycophants" Connie explained. "But why ban an audience? I was hoping Phil could attend."

"I guess he's afraid Field might have them shout you down" said Phillip, considering the matter carefully.

"It's a favourite tactic of his type" said Nolan. "Shutdown debate by shouting it down. I'll let Mr. Boynton, Denton, and whomever Field brings watch from the control room."

"I hadn't thought of that" Connie admitted. "The idea of a one-side permitted debate is so foreign to me that it didn't even cross my mind that Field would try to prevent me from speaking!"

"Now, who's going to moderate this debate?" asked Phillip.

"Harriet" said Nolan simply. "I mentioned to Field that a prominent local woman, a lawyer, fair minded, would appreciate refereeing the debate. You see," Nolan laughed, "Field doesn't know Walter Denton's wife is a retired lawyer. He wanted a professor friend of his from his alma mater, but he eventually gave in after I refused."

"Harriet is always fair" said Connie. "So it won't affect anything but Field's temper."

"I don't really like it. In fact, it sounds like a scheme Walter Denton would have thought up" observed Phillip.

"He did" Nolan grinned.

Presently, Walter and Harriet Denton arrived on the noisy elevator. Nolan and the Boyntons went into the hall to greet them.

Harriet, like her husband, looked young for her age. She gave off an aura of dignified, though faded, beauty. She gave a hearty hello to Connie, Phillip and Gary Nolan.

"I can't see how such a supposedly caring person as Field can be so mean" Harriet observed. "Still, I've learned throughout my life there's no limit to hypocrisy."

"Her father, Mr. Conklin, taught her that!" joked Walter, before withering under a deadly look from his wife.

"My father wouldn't have allowed a teacher like Field at Madison" said Harriet.

"Mr. Conklin would not have allowed a teacher to get away without teaching" said Phillip.

"Old Man Conklin didn't allow no one to get away with nothing" said Stretch Snodgrass.

"Old Man Conklin didn't allow_ anybody_ to get away with _anything_" corrected Connie.

"_Mr. Conklin _didn't allow _anybody_ to get away with _anything_" re-corrected Daisy.

The former athlete and Connie's former colleague had arrived mere moments ago, in the creaky elevator, and were only now stepping into the hall.

Daisy was carefully coiffured and dressed in her finest, and made-up to be twenty years younger than she actually was. She was only now informed that there would be no audience, and she would not be appearing on televison.

"That ain't fair" observed Stretch. "But I've been on T.V. loads of times, it really ain't nothing!"

"Connie" said Daisy. "Let's not bother. Our lives are too short to try correcting his grammar!"

"I suppose it is, Daisy" said Connie. "_But, Stretch why are you here!"_

Stretch Snodgrass looked older than Walter Denton, but younger than Gary Nolan. He was best described as an aged version of his baseball card photos, with neatly combed, fake, black hair.

"'cause I am gonna be intro-duct-ing you" he explained.

"How's that?" asked Phillip.

"Field has one of his students introducing, or if you want, intro-duct-ing him" said Nolan. "Er, we decided that you should have someone too. I wanted to do it, but Field vetoed it. I told Denton we should ask Mrs. Leblanc, but Walter wanted someone everybody knew. . . ."

"I, er, " explained Walter, "asked Stretch to do it. Madison's donation to major league baseball, and what's more, Stretch came back after he retired! Who could be better?"

"Shouldn't we have asked for one of Connie's. . . ." tried Daisy diplomatically, "Well, one of Connie's more academically successful students?"

_"Stretch_, in fairness" added Phillip awkwardly, "You weren't exactly the brightest English student."

"In short" said Connie sympathetically, "you passed English by the skin of your teeth, and you know it."

"I may not have been the brightest student" Stretch objected sulkily. "But I've got a good deal of heart."

"Okay, Stretch" said Connie. "I'll be happy to have you introduce me."

Daisy and Phillip looked at enough other skeptically enough, but they too agreed.

"Don't worry" said Harriet. "Stretch has a great introduction prepared."

"Stretch'll do a great job" added Walter.

"Yeah, you ain't gonna regret it" Stretch bragged.

"Hmm" said Field, as he too emerged from the groaning elevator. "I believe you are very much going to regret the well-earned humiliation you are to receive at my hands. When I proceed to destroy _Mrs. _Boynton's bizarre viewpoints on education, and life in general, you will have little to do but stew in your reactionary juices. Or perchance, although this group might be too long in the tooth for enlightenment, you might actually learn something and amend your extreme views."

The hallway fell silent.

"Mrs. Boynton" said Stretch. "You want I should slug him?"

"No" said Connie. "We've been there and done that, he keeps going on and on. Besides, violence is not the answer."

"Although it is richly deserved!" Daisy added angrily.

"How can you be so rude to people you've merely had a disagreement with?" asked Harriet. "You are the most obnoxious man I have ever met, and I have met many in my career!"

"Hmm" said Field, as insolently as he could possibly manage the injection. "Undoubtedly, a _homemaker, _or as _I _call the role, _domestic slave_, meets _so many people_. At any rate, your cloistered world view is a product of your ignorance. If your parents brought you up in an enlightened environment, you would not be spouting such nonsense. As it is, I have no respect or no need of conversation with the meek housewife of an ultra-reactionary like Walter Denton!"

"I'll just ignore that" said Harriet pointedly and proudly. "After all, the debate moderator needs to be neutral, no matter how rude the debater."

"HMM." said Field, this time enunciating his favourite word as a guttural grumble. "Surely this _homemaker_ isn't in charge?"

"She is" said Connie happily. "Harriet Denton nee Conklin. Her father was Osgood Conklin, longtime dictator . . . er, principal of Madison High School. Harriet is a retired lawyer, and still member of the bar in good standing. For many years, she was the chair of the Madison PTA."

"Yet she is Walter Denton's wife, and therefore one of his more fervent supporters!" complained Field. "How can _she _moderate this debate?"

"Walter Denton's not debating" said Phillip, bluntly. "What's it to you?"

"_Hmm_" said Field, slickly. "To appoint one of the people responsible for Madison's backward politics as moderator, should, even to an _antediluvian _geezer like yourself, demonstrate a commitment to propagandising whatever totally unacceptable point of view _Mrs. _Boynton will attempt to force."

"Holy Smokes!" interjected Walter, before Connie or Harriet could say a word. "You make Miss Brooks, I mean Mrs. Boynton, sound like some sinister minded tyrant!"

"_That sinister minded tyrant would be __**you**_" Field told Denton, with great emphasis. "Mrs. Boynton is merely one of your followers."

"You will find," said Connie, severely, "my views are my own, and _acceptable_. Moreover, I seem to recall we are arguing about teaching methods, not politics. Or are you an English teacher who is unable to understand the English language!"

"That's telling him" said Phillip approvingly.

"_Excellent _point, Connie" complimented Daisy.

"That's using the old mind!" raved Walter.

"It's preposterous that yourviews would ever be deemed unacceptable" added Harriet.

"You're as brainy as ever" encouraged Nolan.

"Way'd to lay it to that jerk" finished Stretch.

"Hmm" sneered Field. "I see I am trapped in a room of bourgeois halfwits. I may very well choose not to debate."

"You do," struck in Nolan, "and I will have our news anchor announce you chickened out! That'll really crumb up your message to Madison."

"Isn't it the truth?" Connie observed sardonically. "We'll stay . . . in your opinion, reactionary and backward . . . and you'll have failed in your mission of mercy."

"I should have expected as much from the likes of you" observed Field. "Very well. I could debate _Mrs. _Boynton under far more difficult conditions. I need not be afraid of being outwitted by this crowd!"

"The only one you should beware of is you" Connie observed.

Nolan showed Field Studio 10A, and explained that there was no room for an audience.

"Hmm" snapped Field, as he returned to the others. "You are attempting to exclude the youth of America from having their voices heard!"

"How many of your students were going to show up?" asked Phillip.

"One Hundred" said Field. "You see, I was making audience participation in this debate a mandatory portion of my course . . . of course, my students were only too happy to accompany me."

"They can participate downstairs, in the lobby" said Nolan. "There's no room for them up here."

"Only the debaters and moderators are allowed up here" said Nolan's youngest daughter, Charlotte, who now emerged from the loudly protesting elevator.

She was a redheaded young woman in a businesswoman's suit.

"Hmm" complained Field. "Where's my top student . . . the one who's going to introduce me!"

"He'll be up, shortly" observed Charlotte slyly. "He said he wanted to ensure he remembers the speech you wrote for him."

There was considerable laughter at Field's expense.

"He's a bright young man" said Field, "with a locally prominent name. He will be ideal to introduce me. I don't know what old carcass you've dragged up, _Mrs_. Boynton!"

"One of our local sport celebrities" said Connie, evenly. "May I present Stretch Snodgrass?"

"Him?" said Field with some surprise, and he seemed slightly taken aback.

"What?" asked Walter. "Haven't you ever seen his baseball cards?"

Field attempted to respond, but was interrupted by the elevator's noisy arrival. A teenager, the image of the young Stretch Snodgrass, walked out.

"Hello, Fred" said the teenager. "I've memorized the speech you gave to me this morning. I hope it proves satisfactory. I don't want to be penalized for a flawed delivery. Oh, hi Grandpa Stretch!"

"Hi Brains" said Stretch.

"_Hmm_" sneered Field. "The name is _Bonaparte Snodgrass_, as you yourself should know! "

"You're the only one who calls me Bonaparte, Fred" Brains explained. "We're all known by our nicknames. For example, I wager you didn't know my grandfather's real name was Fabian."

"Or that his cousin Officer Fuzz's real name is Waldemar Snodgrass" noted Connie.

"Never mind that" said Field quickly, turning red with anger. "My newer, younger Snodgrass will neutralize any propaganda effect your older Snodgrass may have had."

"I ain't never been an . . . uh . . . prope-o-gander effect." insisted Stretch.

"Hmm" noted Field. "My Snodgrass is also smarter than your decrepit old athlete. So much for your argument _regarding the teaching of grammar, literature, and vocabulary_. I wonder whose brilliant scheme it was to employ him as _Mrs. _Boynton's model student?"

All eyes turned to Walter Denton. He laughed nervously.

"You can't expect things to turn out right, _all the time_, can you?" Walter said.

Authors' Notes

Why ME TV? It seems as if Field would be infuriated if the local station, apart from original programming, broadcasts older television shows.

In the program, Harriet always addressed and referred to her father as "Daddy." I have decided to eschew it here, as it seems odd for Harriet to call him "Daddy" as a seventy-five-year-old woman.

"Stretch Snodgrass isn't the brightest student . . . but he sure has a lot of heart" is a line of Stretch's taken from the radio episode _Music Festival at Oakhurst_. Miss Brooks and Mr. Boynton were discussing Stretch's mentality and he overheard.


	9. Field's True Colours at T-5

**Field's True Colours at T Minus 5**

All too soon, the hour approached for the debate. Harriet, Field and the Snodgrasses trooped into the tiny studio. The Nolans, the Dentons and Mrs. Leblanc repaired to the control room, leaving only Connie and Phillip in the hall.

"Good luck, Connie" said Phillip simply. "I know you'll be able to out-debate this guy. Especially with the academic integrity of Madison riding on you."

Phillip kissed Connie, turning a little red although the two were alone in the hall.

Harriet had the only chair in the tiny studio. The room was so cramped that Connie and Field were forced to line up behind their respective Snodgrass. The front of the room was off limits, occupied by a trio of cameramen. To make matters worse, the cameramen were appropriating half the air as well.

"Five minutes to airtime" said the cameraman in charge, a middle-aged man with white hair.

"Excuse me" said Connie, walking over to the window. "I believe that a little background noise will be worth the price to avoid suffocation."

"We never open that window" said one of the cameramen.

"You never use the studio either!" Connie pointed out.

"Hmm. What is this?" Field complained. "Are you confirming my observations on the choice of studio?"

"Never you mind" said Connie. "As Mr. Nolan warned you . . . You don't want to be known as the man who walked out on the debate."

"Hmm" sneered Field. "It really is unimportant, aside from pedagogical reasons . . . that is teaching my students how properly to react to reactionary views. However, _I will _do fine. I can outwit a person of your type any day, and after all, I have my friend Bonaparte's support."

Brains, for his part, did not respond. His face, Connie noticed, showed a cross between the uniquely half-witted expression that belonged to his grandfather and great-uncle, and a look of extreme sourness that she supposed was his own.

The slam of the wooden window and the shattering of glass interrupted Connie's thoughts. A few seconds later she heard pieces of the wood frame crash harmlessly in the alley behind the building.

Stretch Snodgrass had gone to open the window as a favour for Connie, and had unwittingly broken it open.

"Sorry, everybody" said Stretch. "The window was jammed and it broke loose."

The night breeze flowed into the room, along with the distant sounds of traffic below.

"Hmm" said Field. "You consider this clumsy, backward, _clod _to be your star student? How fortunate I am to have Snodgrass 2.0, a _progressive, intelligent, receptive _young man."

"I know I ain't no genius" started Stretch, turning red, "But you don't get to be no professional pitcher being clumsy. And you know, I ain't done nothing to no one so I's deserved to be badmouthed by you hardly!"

"You-you've ain't got no right, you've got to leave off my grandfather" stammered Brains, whose expression had turned as sour as his grammar had turned erratic.

"That a boy, Brains" said Harriet.

"_You have no right. You need to leave my grandfather alone_" corrected Connie. "However," she added, "the sentiment is appreciated."

Connie now knew the origin of Brains' sour look. Field's earlier taunting of his grandfather had annoyed him. Field's second insult, coupled with his "Snodgrass 2.0" remark seemed to have led to an outright break.

"You have no right. You need to lead my grandfather alone" Brains now repeated.

"Not to mention your cousin, Fuzz" Connie now edged in. "Did you know. . . ."

"Three minutes to airtime" interrupted the senior cameraman. "No time for family gossip."

"Tried to fire him!" Harriet concluded.

Grandfather and grandson both turned livid.

"Hmm" said Field. "Bonaparte, as I warned you, the influence of the uncouth bourgeois elderly is very powerful. I implore you, do not allow them to sway you into a troglodyte outlook on life."

"So it's now unacceptable to express loyalty to one's family" said Connie.

"Don't interrupt. I'm talking to Bonaparte."

"If-if I'm a troglodyte, at least I"m a loyal one" Brains observed. "Or, as Grandpa Stretch would say, "If I've gotta be a troglodyte, at least I ain't an un-loyal troglodyte, hardly."

"I'm shocked" said Field. "You were on your way to being a success. Well, listen now. This is for your own good. . . . "

"Are the cameras rolling?" Field asked.

"No, still two minutes to airtime" said the senior cameraman.

"Hmm" said Field, in a low, angry, tone. "Well, Bonaparte. I am relying on you to help me humiliate these cave dwellers. So, I am telling you that as this is of such importance, _you have no option, you must help me_. You see, Bonaparte, I know that you are Madison's top student . . . and the first Snodgrass likely to receive a _non-athletic _college scholarship. For your sake, I hope you remember that. For your sake, I hope you provide your introduction as planned. If you don't . . . I tell you that you _will not _receive an academic scholarship. In fact, I will ensure that your academic transcript will be so weak that you'd be rejected from every college in the country."

The studio fell into a shocked silence, as everyone (cameramen included) stared at Field.

"I-I play football, basketball, and baseball almost as well as my grandfather did" Brains said pointedly. "I can get into college based on my game alone."

"You _played_," corrected Field. "You'll be banned from sports."

"We's ain't afraid" Stretch offered. "I've got plenty of money now. Brains can go to private school."

"Oh," said Field fiendishly, "I believe Bonaparte's transcripts will be lost somehow. Unfortunately, I believe he'll need to start high school _all over again. _I don't think you want to start as a Freshman, do you _Bonaparte_? Hmm. Maybe he can talk to his grandfather? I believe you, _Fabian _Snodgrass, must be familiar with the joy of academic failure and summer school?"

"Well, I've got through, ain't-ent I?" demanded Stretch.

"That's more than you'll be able to say for Bonaparte" retorted Field. "Let me warn you, Bonaparte. I will not stop at ruining your scholastic career. I believe you're very close to a brilliant young girl, Dora Beadle. Now, Dora is, of course, my second best student, and very much in my influence. Has a crush on me, I believe! A few words and she'll dump you like the ignorant buffoon that . . . I am sad to say . . . you are aspiring to be."

"She wouldn't!" said Brains, going white.

"Would you like to try me?" said Field, diabolically. I believe, _you_,_ at least_, are intelligent enough to know my influence!"

"You'll have no influence," said the senior cameraman. "I'm sure the Board of Education would love to know what kind of English teacher they've hired."

"Hmm," said Field. "I see you are ignorant in many ways! Oppression by the bourgeoisie, I presume. Mr. Stone is my grandfather, and believes what _I tell him to believe_. My father and grandparents are some of the richest people in the country, and have fought for progressive causes their entire lives. They have railroaded far more important bigots than you and your Madison ilk. I can have this entire television station squeezed dry, if I so chose. I could squeeze Madison High of all state funding, if it didn't do my bidding . . . leastways if I first eliminated Walter Denton's influence. I'm almost there . . . you Madisonites will be remade as _I see fit_. So, _Bonaparte, _destroying a _nothing_ like you comes easy."

"_And if you so much as touch me"_ ordered Field suddenly, as Stretch, like Phillip before him, started to wind up, "I will sue you and take all of your money. Perhaps I cannot succeed against a ninety-two-year-old ex-biology professor in court, but I can succeed against a seventy-something former star athlete!"

"Your, your, you ain't nothing but an ante-penny dicta-tate-or . . . dictator" slurred Brains.

"Never mind, Brains" said Connie, surprisingly calm. "You go ahead and give Field his introduction. I don't want you to throw away your life!"

"But Mrs. Boynton. . . ." started Brains.

"After all that, he's gonna give that speech? Hardly!" said Stretch.

"You don't think I can manage a little competition?" said Connie, with fake indignation. "Why, how dare you? Both of you!"

The Snodgrasses gave in, albeit reluctantly.

"I'll give the speech" said Brains, finally.

"One minute to airtime" said the senior cameraman, furiously. "Good luck, Mrs. Boynton. _Break a leg, _Field."

Author's Notes

In _Stretch is in Love Again_, Walter Denton mentions that Stretch Snodgrass has a terrible temper. If a radio episode exists where Snodgrass loses his temper, it is lost or unavailable. There are, however, a few instances where others refer to Stretch as stupid in his presence, i.e. _Two-Way Stretch Snodgrass _(T.V.) and _Stretch to Transfer_ (the radio version). In _Wishing Well Dance _(radio), Stretch complains to Miss Brooks about a student trying to re-nickname him after a cigarette without nicotine (as the student calls Stretch the "schoolboy without a brain"). Nonetheless, on other occasions, the insult went over his head, or he recognized his own denseness (_Stretch Has a Problem_, radio).

In the summer of 1949, several radio episodes saw Miss Brooks teaching summer school at Madison High(_July 4__th__ Trip to Eagle Springs_, _Telegram for Mrs. Davis_, _Conklin's Carelessness Code_, _Pensacola Popovers_, _Connie's New Job Offer_, _Heat Wave_, and _The English Test_). Walter Denton and Stretch Snodgrass, unsurprisingly, flunk into summer school. However, Harriet Conklin attends as well, in spite of having always been described as an excellent student.


	10. The Not-So-Great Debate

**The Not-So-Great Debate**

"Good evening" said Harriet cheerfully, as the cameras began to roll. "We welcome our viewers to our main event tonight. As you may know, Madison High School is celebrating the completion of its renovations with a grand reunion. Invited are all former teachers and students. Now, one of our signal events is the contest for Madison's greatest teacher of _all time_."

"Our two candidates for this honoured title are here today. On my left is Mr. Frederick Field."

"Call me Fred" interrupted Field, in a benevolent tone.

"Fred is Madison's popular new English teacher who is taking the school by storm" said Harriet, without a hint of irony.

Field nodded his head in acknowledgement.

Harriet continued. "On my right, is Mrs. Constance Boynton. But of course, to students of my generation, she is remembered fondly as _Our Miss Brooks."_

"Thank you" said Connie, simply.

"As you may well know, my name is Harriet Denton, and I will be the moderator for this debate. This is a great honour for me, as I have been the chair of the PTA for many years. However, most of all, when I think of Madison High School I think of my late father, Osgood Conklin. My father was the school's longest serving principal . . . even serving longer than Yodar Kritch, Madison High's esteemed founder. I feel I continue his legacy by moderating the debate tonight."

"The subject of this debate is not strictly limited to pedagogical methods. What is the best way to teach English? What is the role of the teacher in modern society? To these questions we turn to our two debaters."

"However, first we've arranged for a student introduction for each of our candidates. Introducing Fred will be Bonaparte Snodgrass, nickname Brains. Brains is the top student in the junior class. He also captained the school football and basketball teams this year. It is he who'll be introducing Mr., er, Fred."

Connie and Field had gone to their respective podiums to be introduced by Harriet; now, again, they shuffled behind their respective Snodgrasses.

While this was going on, Harriet added "For those of you uninterested in the debate tonight, may I remind you that right now on our sister station 2-2, WXQX is showing the complete ME-TV lineup. On _Gilligan's Island _right now, Gilligan dreams the castaways have aged fifty years after a radioactive meteorite crashes on the island. At 8:30, Gilligan is convinced he has turned into a vampire after being bitten by a bat."

"Oh, that Gilligan" said Connie, sardonically.

"Thank you, chair" began Brains, as he finally fell into position.

"It-is-my-honour-to-introduce-Fred-Field-who-has-revolutionized-the-teaching-of-English-at-Madison" said Brains, in a rapid and emotionless monotone. "No-longer-are-Madison's-students-subject-to-the-teaching-of-centuries-old-texts-with-no-relevance-to-the-modern-day-and-little-interest-to-the-student. Of-what-interest-is-Shakespear-Longfellow-and-Dickens-to-the-modern-student-in-the-age-of-modern-communications? What-interest-or-what-good-will-these-antiquities-do-for-students-in-the-modern-world-with-their-antique-world-views-and-little-in-lessons-on-how-adults-of-today-interact-and-behave? Why-teach-their-often-harmful-lessons? No-no-a-thousand-times-no."

"In-ancient-un-progressive-times-such-as-the-nineteen-fifties-English-teachers-wasted-their-time-obsessed-with-spelling-grammar-and-the-absurd-trivia-of-identifying-parts-of-speech-like-gerunds-articles-and-conjunctions. No-more. Today-we-learn-about-the real-world-and-to-fight-the-various-injustices-that-arise-and-bigoted-world-views-that-are-found-alas-especially-here-in-Madison."

"Thanks-to-Fred-I-have-learned-to-fight-prejudice-and-outmoded-methods-of-thinking" said Brains, with a scowl. "I-I, I-have-learned-more-than-I-have-ever-before-having-previously-been-blinkered-by-the-back-country-atmosphere-Madison's-afflicted-with. We-need-more-teachers-like-Fred-and-we-need-principals-like-Fred-to-guide-our-schools. For-these-and-many-other-reasons-my-vote-for-best-teacher-ever-goes-to-Fred."

Brains ended by winking at Connie, stalking out of the crowded studio, and slamming the door behind him.

"Hmm" said Field, cagily. "I thank Bonaparte for the kind speech _he_ prepared. I am afraid that he's very camera shy, and it took a great deal of courage for him to attempt it live on television. If he is listening, I would like to thank him for it, and remind him it's not as _if his future had been riding on a proper delivery_."

"Of course not" said Connie, from somewhere behind Stretch. "I am sure we will continue to hear about his continued academic and athletic success here at WXQX and in the _Express_. That's not to mention, the school paper, the _Madison Monitor_."

"Of course" said Field, through his teeth. "Why wouldn't you?"

"We will certainly hear if something goes wrong!" said Connie.

"Thank you Fred, Mrs. Boynton" said Harriet. "Now, I bring you a familiar face, retired MLB pitcher Fabian "Stretch" Snodgrass."

"Hi" said Stretch laconically. He paused.

"I'm here to talk up Mrs. Boynton, but back then that wasn't her name and that ain't how I remembered her best. To me, she'll ain't never be nothing but Miss Brooks, the teacher who learned me English and got me through high school."

"Oh, no!" said Connie to herself, while Field snickered audibly.

"No need for fenced mondesty" mis-enunciated Stretch, as he began a mini-autobiography. "High school was real gone for me, I ain't never had a good time in grade school when I was a little kid 'cause of my name Fabian and the other kids kidded me on it. But it was never feet-ed to last long as things went good later and weren't bad hardly and I got to do good in ath-a-letics. I also got to make friends despite my name being Fabian."

"But there was one thing that wasn't ain't not right. I never could hardly do good in class because I ain't never wasn't bright enough, hardly. But then after I flunked out in English one semester, I got Miss Brooks in the next. And I ain't never then hardly flunked another course 'cause Miss Brooks tutorial-ed me in English and my courses. If it wasn't for her, I would have flunked out sure and never gotten my high school diplomat."

"Diplomat!" snorted Field.

"A high school diplomat, if you must bring it up" observed Connie laconically, "allows one their choice of the ambassadorship to the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics or the Dominion of Canada . . . _or in Stretch's case_, a career as star pitcher for the Washington Senators and Montreal Expos."

"Yeah" said Stretch. "That's about it. I would've never been eligible for the school team hardly and I ain't never would have played ball professionally. So you see, I owes my success and interest in my all time favourite academic subject English to Miss Brooks. And I say there ain't nobody never nowhere none hardly who can teach English like _Our Miss Brooks_!"

"Thank you, Stretch" said Connie weakly, as the baseball star and grammar mangler left the room.

"A very heartfelt speech from Stretch Snodgrass" observed Harriet.

"So we've heard" said Field. "Please note the difference proper teaching makes. Mrs. Boynton taught Fabian _Stretch _Snodgrass who for all his _heart_ mangles the English language. Meanwhile my student, his grandson Bonaparte, uses proper language and is called Brains."

"This is an excellent opportunity to move into our first topic of debate" said Harriet. "How should English be taught? Mrs. Boynton, would you like to begin by responding to Mr. Field."

"Yes, of course" said Connie. "Thank you, Harriet. Mr. Field, that is, Fred, you've inadvertently touched upon on a debate I've had with our former principal, Mr. Conklin. Do good teachers make good students, or are good students born? Both, I believe. Good teachers _improve _students, although a certain amount of talent helps matters. Not everybody is academically privileged, and I believe we teachers do what we can to help our students along to the best of our ability."

"Now I am proud of my record . . . and what is more important that of my students. I am happy to say all of my students succeeded in my courses, and in no way did I relax my standards. Now, I admit I tutored Stretch considerably, and as he himself said, he wasn't a very good student. However, I am proud to say I helped him along and taught him some things in the process."

"However, it was _he _to whom you turned for an introduction, _Constance_" said Field, who now adopted a tone of oily conciliation. "Hmm. My, my. I believe you have spoken to me before about the importance you have placed in grammar lessons and the reading of _Victorian _and _Early_ American literature and poetry. Not to mention the invaluable Shakespear, hmm? To see that you've picked a student who shows none of the qualities you've taught and so valued, does that not mean they're not very important? _Oh by the way_, I _love_ your name, _Constance_. Beautifully old-school, isn't it?"

"Why, thank you _Frederick_" said Connie, dismissively. "My mother and father were very fond of the name. Like you, however, I usually use the affectionate short form. In my case, Connie. Back to your main point, I think you must be mistaken when you dismiss grammar as unimportant. Didn't you just praise Brains for his grammar; as you denigrated Stretch for the same? Surely you agree with me on its advantages? Fortunately, Stretch found a career where the handicap didn't impair him. However, appropriate grammar is the passport to any career where an academic background is required. Wouldn't you agree . . . Frederick?"

"Frederick" seemed taken aback, but recovered quickly.

"Hmm. Perhaps, but it isn't all important" said Field. "The proper application of who and whom, once an obsession for English teachers, is now irrelevant and all but forgotten. In a world of spellcheckers, who cares about spelling . . . and who wants to stifle creativity? No, alas, _Constance_, the interests of _your generation _are now passe. _Ask not for who the bell tolls . . . ._"

"_Whom, Frederick_" corrected Connie, "_Whom._"

"It tolls" continued Field, "Or, really, it has long since tolled, for the old style of English instruction. As Bonaparte so clearly enunciated, my class doesn't learn from musty, fusty, and archaic volumes. We learn, and then we look outwards, to Madison and the world!"

"Today Madison and tomorrow the world!" observed Connie, sarcastically. "I think you misunderstand the importance of "musty, fusty, archaic volumes. For one thing, I dispute your adjectives. For instance, I wouldn't describe Shakespeare as fusty; leastways, Bowdler certainly didn't when he edited it for the use of young children. As for musty, if you keep the books properly aired I doubt you'll have that problem. Unfortunately, since your attitude has been to neglect their study, they're likely musty by now!"

"Hmm" said Field. "_Constance_, I would think you'd want your students to take on the world by storm? Instead you criticise me with a weak housekeeping joke? _My, my_. Isn't it wonderful how far we've come? Yet, I'm afraid you still unquestionably accept the gender role assigned to you by the old patriarchy. A housekeeping joke, indeed! I don't think you're much of an inspiration to a modern woman!"

"If pursuing a profession and a college degree isn't worthy of inspiration, then I suppose not," said Connie. "I am also afraid you've confused common sense _bookkeeping _with a "housekeeping joke." But let's not sink to personal attacks, _Frederick_. I hope you would agree that reading some of our great works help expand the mind. I would also point out that it does wonders for vocabulary and reading comprehension, important skills that translate well to everyday life. There is also the salient point, _Frederick_, that, sometimes, the promotion of literature leads to a lifelong interest in reading and learning. That is something we can both promote, isn't it?"

"Hmm. Did wonders for Fabian, didn't it?" Field replied.

"It didn't do him any harm" said Connie. "I would even argue that it helped paper up some of his academic troubles and prepared him for what we _now _call thedreaded "real world." Of course, for a boy like Brains, the benefits of a _proper_, or should I say _traditional_, English class is more apparent. Brains would be offered valuable instruction in reading and writing. These skills will be crucial in college as well as in his future career."

"I should think it was apparent, _Constance_, that Brains is well prepared, aside from minor difficulties in public speaking" said Field.

"As your top student, I should hope so, Frederick" said Connie in an easy tone. "Still, what about your other students? How has your no grammar-no reading-social justice-English course prepared them? I, after all, didn't use my top student as proof of the efficacy of my pedagogical methods!"

Field looked daggers at Connie.

"My, my" said Connie, slyly. "Hmm. You do have a hair trigger temper, don't you _Frederick_!"

"Hmm" said Field, almost retching the word this time. "You are obviously trying too hard, such formalism! "Efficacy of my pedagogical methods," indeed! You simplify too much. I have assigned readings, but readings about real life and appropriate for the modern age. Why, this term my students are assigned _The Corporation_, a run down on the true view of the corporation as malevolent psychopathic entity."

"Does that include your father's financial interests?" questioned Connie.

"Personal attacks are not appreciated!" Field insisted. "Moreover, we are also studying _No Logo_, a revealing treatise on the depravity of globalization and consumerism."

"Far be it from me to criticise your favoured books for expressing a point of view" said Connie. "Yet I think it is wrong for you to teach these personal, and highly political, texts _as truth_ in an English class. Nor any kind of high school class at all for that matter. I'd even question their very use with impressionable children_ at any time_, as it _seems_ you are foisting a certain world view on your students."

"Hmm." said Field, still angry but attempting his smarmy, condescending tone. "I suppose when you were teaching in the fifties, that is to say the fifties of the last century _or two_ . . . ."

"Well, it certainly wasn't the eighteen fifties" said Connie sardonically. "I explicitly remember Madison High's electric lights!"

"Hmm. _Constance_, you taught in a dark age when you were required to uphold the establishment and its warped perspective. Although much work needs to be done, Madison is now not so bad as it was so many years ago. This has been mainly due to the hard work of progressives in other parts of the state, the country, and the world. I am attempting, as a teacher should, adapt my students to the _real world_, as you so quaintly put it, and not certain regressive views and attitudes that should have long since been buried. The _unquestioning_ adherence to right-wing shibboleths that _I _see in Madison is quite dismaying."

"Shibboleths" Connie observed. "Now who's trying too hard?"

"Thank you, Mrs. Boynton, Fred" said Harriet. "Fred, you appear to be continuing into our second topic for debate, the role of the teacher."

"Hmm" said Field, scornfully. "Don't you think I should be allowed to make my point without your interference?! Some moderator!"

"Very well!" said Harriet. "The format agreed upon was an hour's debate, divided into two half hour segments. However, if Mrs. Boynton has no objections, we may have a free flowing discussion on both topics at the same time."

"I have no objections" said Connie.

"_Constance _never did have objections" said Field. "_Now_, what did you do for the cause of reform!"

"Reform?" asked Connie, perplexedly. "I'm proud to say I did advocate some innovative teaching methods. For example, I introduced instructive films at Madison to supplement our lessons. My first attempt, a film of Sir Walter Scott's poem _Lady of the Lake_, failed spectacularly. However. . . ."

"Films at school?" asked Field, incredulously. "Films at school are what _you consider reform_! You may have been blindly complacent to the injustices of the medieval age in which you taught. . . ."

"Oh, yes" said Connie, sarcastically. "It was very medieval. I had to ride to school on my trusted steed, sidesaddle of course, and watch out for attacks by marauding Vikings, assorted barbarians, and the occasional dragon or two."

"Hmm," said Field, as resentfully as he could. "You wasted your time teaching without confronting the injustices of your age. What did you do about McCarthy? What did you do for women's liberation? Did you even attempt to free your students from the repressive thought currents of their backward environment, _Constance_? No, you didn't! What kind of teacher were you!"

"An English teacher, Frederick!" said Connie, passionately. "Not a professor of political protest. A teacher who cared for her students and their welfare. A teacher who loved teaching . . . although the pay wasn't always enough to keep body and soul together. A teacher who never consciously interfered in her student's politics, save that of _basic decency_. It may surprise you, Frederick, but I never felt it was my role to rally my students against Senator McCarthy!"

"Nor for women's liberation" scoffed Field. "You were such a caring, _devoted_, teacher you married and promptly retired."

"A teacher and a woman who has the right to make her own choices in life" countered Connie. "I do regret the fact _the board expected me_ to retire when my first child was born . . . however, it was also my hope and my dream! _You have no right _to dictate what my hopes and dreams should be! Now, for your information, I did continue tutoring well into my eight . . . well, let us say, my golden years! Of course, I am happy the teachers today have a choice I was denied . . . but what _right would I have to force my students march for my personal benefit or my ideals?_

"Hmm" sneered Field. "Your ignorance is really astonishing!"

"I suggest you pursue your politics outside the classroom" said Connie, ignoring Field's remark. "It is commendable for you to care for others, but you're abusing your position if you think forging children into your mould comprises an English course. _Your _ignorance is really astonishing, Frederick."

"MY IGNORANCE!" screamed Field. "_You accuse me of ignorance!_"

"There goes your hair trigger temper, Frederick" Connie ribbed. "Really now, you're making a fool of yourself!"

"I'm making a fool of myself?" Field said incredulously. "A fool of myself, arguing with you! Such a superannuated, antediluvian relic!"

"Well, I'm glad you have recognized the fact you're making a fool of yourself, Frederick" said Connie sarcastically. "Now, if you can stop misusing your position in the English department, and actually teach your students some of your more particular vocabulary, you'll be halfway there!"

"_I have no intention of changing my lessons to meet your laughable standards_,"said Field furiously. He took a deep breath, "I wouldn't have yelled had I actually a worthy debating partner, rather than _Victorian Constance _Boynton _nee Brooks_."

"_Constance _Boynton _nee Brooks, _is _roughly _the contemporary of the second Elizabeth" said Connie acidly. "_I suppose _we're now to describe ourselves and our views in reference to British monarchs. I'm very much surprised to discover that this is the _progressive _point of view."

"Hmm" snorted Field. "Even _you, Constance_, should realize that the word Victorian informs a basic attitude, that of prudishness and an overly moral tone!"

"If teaching English by teaching English is prudish and overly moral" said Connie, "then shake hands with the chief prude, Frederick. No, that's unfair, my friend Mrs. Leblanc is equally entitled to the position, as are countless other English teachers in these United States. By your book, only those who abuse their positions aren't."

Field laughed deliriously.

"Hmm," he snickered. "If you're going to slander me on air. . . ."

"Really, Fred," interrupted Harriet. "Haven't you been guilty of more than your fair share of potshots tonight?"

"Please Harriet" implored Connie. "Let him. . . ."

"_See" _said Field triumphantly. "_Constance _has the T.V. station in her hands_. Unless she and her associates withdraw and condemn her defamatory remarks I will be forced to, regrettably, inform the proper television licensing authorities and take the necessary legal action to counter the travesty taking place here tonight."_

_"_That is a run-on sentence if I ever heard one" Connie observed. "I am not a lawyer, but I believe a statement isn't slander if it's true. _And it is true. _By your own words you _don't teach English to any recognizable standard_."

"Any recognizable Victorian standard," scoffed Field.

"What happened to antediluvian, reactionary, and, oh yes, troglodyte?" asked Connie. "I was getting fond of them."

_"_Poor, deluded, senile old _Constance_" Field replied. "I don't think anyone would go too hard on you, despite your foolishness."

"_Poor deluded senile Constance_ speaks the _truth_" said Connie as acidly as possible. "You don't teach English; as likely as not, you can't teach English. What's more, an unscrupulous young man like yourself has no business anywhere in or near a high school!"

"Prove it" Field practically growled, his eyes bugged out more than Mr. Boynton's dearly departed pet frog, McDougall.

"If I must prove it, I will, Frederick," said Connie. "I can start with the many people who have seen you in action."

"Hmm" said Field, un-bugging his eyes and turning his frown into a smirk. "The typical friends and relatives, I suppose?"

"Well, Frederick" said Connie evenly. "If you insist, I can produce _incontrovertible proof_. You see, knowing your unscrupulousness, I've taken the liberty of carrying around a small tape, or rather, a digital recorder."

"That's illegal!" said Field, turning white as a sheet, in an instant.

"Not in this nor thirty-seven other states" Connie replied. "I have here an interesting conversation where you _positively blackmailed _Brains, er Bonaparte, Snodgrass into reading that speech you wrote. Really, Frederick, I really can't think of a greater abuse of your power. Blackmailing a student!"

"This is a debate" said Field, nervously. "There's no room for prerecorded statements."

"I would have agreed" said Connie, quietly. "But since you've brought it up . . . I'm afraid it's time for extrememeasures. As bad as you are, Frederick, I would have saved you the disgrace."

"Given the circumstances" said Harriet. "I believe that we can make allowances. Mrs. Boynton, please hold the tape . . . the digital recorder next to your microphone."

Connie pulled the recorder out of her pocket, and played the earlier conversation. When she finished, she looked at Field.

"Well, Frederick, as Ricky Ricardo would say, you've got some 'splaining to do! I don't think your grandfather, Mr. Stone, will protect your job now. _All the money_ on your father's side of the family won't buy you Madison High School."

'I-I don't have to stand for this fraud," stammered Field.

He stalked out of the studio.

"Well, that ends our debate early" said Harriet. "WXQX wants me to remind you that _I Love Lucy_, starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz,is shown on our sister channel, weekdays at 7:30 a.m."

"Before we return to _Gilligan's Island_, already in progress . . . and viewable right now on 2-2 I might add . . . I would like to say a few words, Harriet" Connie said.

"Of course."

"I would like to thank my _relatives and friends_ for their support. Frederick, or as I will call him, Mr. Field, might not have had much respect for them, but I do. Without their interest and support, I would have never debated Mr. Field tonight. I would also like to voice my support to the countless other excellent teachers in our elementary and high schools across the state and the country. I refer to the teachers who place teaching their subjects, and wish to help their students, over any political pamphleteering they may wish to do."

"I would also like to end by presenting my husband Phillip Boynton, and my good friend Daisy Leblanc nee Enright. We were teachers at Madison High together, and I believe we've all upheld the standards set by our school's illustrious founder, Yodar Kritch. And yes Harriet, those of your late father Mr. Osgood Conklin."

No sooner had Connie finished speaking than had Phillip and Daisy rushed into the room to be on television; their speed was surprising for two nonagenarians.

"I thank my good friend Mrs. Boynton, my contemporary, who was always _like an _elder. . . ." started Daisy, cattily.

Daisy uncharacteristically withered under a sharp look from Connie.

"Well, although we were _about even _in ages, she was like an elder sister for her support, advice and friendship" Daisy concluded.

"Thank you, Mrs. Leblanc" Connie said kindly. "Although we're contemporaneous in age, I'd say that Mrs. Leblanc looked at least twenty years younger tonight."

"Why, thank you Connie!" said Daisy.

"Don't mention it" said Connie. "At least I've finally managed to have you admit you're every bit as old as Phil and me."

"Now I would like to mention my husband Phillip" said Connie. "Undoubtedly, the best biology teacher Madison High School has ever had."

"Thank you Connie" said Phillip.

Connie kissed Phillip in front of the cameras. Phillip reacted by blushing a deep red and suffering an attack of the hiccups.

"I would like to thank Phillip for fifty-eight happy years of marriage, and another happy, though sometimes frustratingly slow, eight years of dating."

"Thank, hic, you, Connie, hic" hiccoughed Phillip.

"Thank you Mrs. Boynton" concluded Harriet. "We will now return to Gilligan's Island."

_Author's Notes_

Stretch Snodgrass' speech is based is large part on a poem he wrote in Miss Brooks' honour in _Valentine's Day Date_. Snodgrass's conversation with Miss Brooks in _Stretch Has a Problem _is similarly relied upon for his autobiographical details.

"Good teachers make good students" is a line of Mr. Conklin's in _Stretch is in Love_ (radio) and _Suzy Prentisss _(t.v. equivalent with Bones Snodgrass).

Miss Brooks uses "Today Madison, tomorrow the world" to admonish Mr. Conklin for his choice of proverbs hanging in his office (on radio, _Letter from the Board of Education_, on T.V., _Spare that Rod_).

In the movie _Our Miss Brooks_, Gary Nolan fails an English test mainly due to his hatred of the subject (the hatred arises from a strained relationship with his father Lawrence Nolans). Miss Brooks informs Gary's father that every other student passed (meaning Gary Nolan did worse than Stretch Snodgrass).

In _The Big Game _(T.V.), Miss Brooks actually does relax her standards (via a generous interpretation of Mr. Conklin's instructions) in favour of an aged former football hero "Snake hips." Mr. Conklin, aided and abetted by Miss Brooks and Mr. Boynton, gave Stretch Snodgrass a dubious pass on an intelligence and logic test (in the radio episode _Stretch Is Accused of Professionalism_). Finally, in _The English Test_ (radio), Miss Brooks awards Stretch the _Yodar Kritch Award for Unique Achievement in English_. The unique achievement? Failing to answer a single question right. Bones was substituted for Stretch in the T.V. equivalent, simply entitled _The Yodar Kritch Award_.

There is little evidence to suggest Miss Brooks' English instruction improved Stretch Snodgrass in any way (with the significant exception of helping him pass his classes and remain eligible for basketball/football/baseball). However, in his debut episode, _Stretch the Basketball Star_ (radio), he has little personality of his own and usually repeats whatever he is told. Considering that is the episode Mr. Conklin transfers Stretch to Miss Brooks' class, maybe her instruction was responsible for a positive change. By his second appearance, _Stretch Has a Problem _(radio), he is complimenting Miss Brooks on her teaching skills and actually has something of an individual personality.

My own experience with biassed teaching occurred in university. I decided to attend the spring and summer semester one year (I decided it would allow me an easy semester of a mere one class my last term before graduation). The university compressed these courses, incidently, into two month periods with twice as many lectures a week as the normal Fall and Winter periods. There was also considerably less variety, and I ended up taking courses I would not have necessarily chosen.

My spring courses were _Madness in the Age of Reason _(mental illness and treatment post-French Revolution - a great course and great professor)and _Consumer Culture_. As a history major, _Consumer Culture _was the only English (Ha! English!) course I was destined to take in university. It was supposed to be something akin to the study of the history and influence advertising has on society, and how advertizing works. The professor's approach was consumer culture is bad, and he was doing a favour to students by describing how terrible it was. He explicitly stated that he hoped the students would learn its evils from his course.

Two of the assigned texts for the course were the real-life books _The Corporation _and _No Logo_. _The Corporation_ is essentially a long essay asserting that the legal entity, "the corporation" is a profit-obsessed psychopath. It turned out there were never any assigned readings from _No Logo_; thebook was merely extra reference. I still don't know whether to be grateful for the fact I didn't need to read it, or angry that I bought it unnecessarily.

I decided to deal with this biassed professor in the most practical way; sit quietly in my seat, take my notes, listen to the lectures, do not make waves. It was, in short, my modus operandi in all my courses. The major change here, however, was that I ended up writing my assignments and my exam following the professor's beliefs, although they diverged considerably from my own. In all fairness, the professor was friendly enough. Evidently, he was deeply interested in his subject. Other than his zeal for propagating his one true point of view, he was nothing like Field.

In _Movies at School _(radio)_,_ Miss Brooks rents a projector and film of Sir Walter Scott's poem _Lady of the Lake. _Unfortunately, a disgruntled employee had purposely mixed up the film. The result was an unintentionally popular showing of _Sirens of the Screen, Past and Present_; Miss Brooks faces trouble with Mr. Conklin and Mr. Stone.

In _Professorship at State U _(radio) and _The Wrong Mrs. Boynton_ (T.V.), Harriet Conklin states that it was Miss Brooks' dream to marry and raise a family, quitting her job to do so.

McDougall was Mr. Boynton's pet frog. His first appearance was in the radio episode _Game at Clay City_. His last was in the movie _Our Miss Brooks._

What Field attempted is usually described as extortion, not blackmail per se. However, checking the dictionary definition, one may use blackmail to describe Field's threats in the previous chapter. I believe it sounds more ominous for Field to have "blackmailed" a student instead of "extorting" him.

On at least one occasion, Miss Brooks herself was not above blackmail. In _Threat to Abolish Football_, she falsely implies Stretch Snodgrass injured his ankle when, as part of the shop class, ordered to fix Mr. Conklin's roof. However, Miss Brooks was merely using it to reverse Mr. Conklin's order banning football at Madison. Mr. Conklin himself did not have clean hands in the matter.

Madison High School failed to live up to Yodar Kritch's standards in the radio episode _Deacon Jones _and the T.V. equivalent _Red River Valley_. Madison High School scored dead last in the local school board's standardized test. Of special interest to the visiting inspector of the state board was Walter Denton's low mark . . . around twenty percent.

In _Mr. Conklin's Love Nest _(TV), Phillip Boynton suffers the hiccups as a consequence of severe bashfulness.


	11. Goodbye Field

**Goodbye Field**

Field was furious as he made his way to the elevators. A strange fury, mixed with nervousness and a feeling of impending disaster. As Field saw it, in his own fanatical eyes, his misfortune was squarely the fault of that ridiculous excuse for an English teacher.

Old man Stone will be forced to dismiss me now. He'll want to, the old fool. Just because decrepit old Constance unethically recorded me trying to force some common sense into that dimwit Bonaparte. Like grandfather like grandson, idiots the both of them. Lucky I take after the Fields, not those retrograde Stones.

My people will understand my efforts in this town. The rednecks here wouldn't dare to go against us. Hmm. I might have to speak to my brother, that Denton might try to start a politically motivated witch hunt against me . . . try to revenge himself for my efforts to enlighten this backwards burg. I wouldn't have to trouble myself with this if it wasn't for "Our Miss Brooks" and her backstabbing, illicit voice recording ways.

Humiliated by a pawn of the fifties' establishment! Not to mention that troglodyte Walter Denton! A ninety-year-old-woman from a small city in this backwards rural part of the state. Who knows what kind of retrograde views she holds? I shouldn't have lost my temper. I should have questioned her on all her views, exposed her for the backward hick she is.

But I made a mistake, I should have realized that her very age makes this foolish old woman sympathetic. She carried her age as a shield against my wittiest barbs. Her complete disregard and horrendous indifference to her own ignorance was my undoing. How could I keep a temper against such a woman? Dismissing his attacks on Senator McCarthy? Disputing the truth inherent in my assigned readings? That stupid standard bearer of antique conformity.

That bigoted old woman thought little of the world around her, and had concerned herself only with her students. What a fool! Had I kept my temper, I would have had her expose the ludicrousness of her outmoded outlook on life. After all, the debate had already long since been settled in my favour . . . although Constance Boynton nee Brooks doesn't know it. The Victorian half-wit. How could I allow her to humiliate me?

So thought Field, as usual oblivious to anything save his own self righteousness. So thought Field as he waited for the creaking elevator and ignored the excited banter from the control room. So thought Field as he turned his back on Mr. Boynton and Mrs. Leblanc rushing from control room to studio. So thought Field, as he maliciously considered tripping or pushing down the two nonagenarian miscreants. But no, that would be neanderthal and stooping to their level.

As Field stepped into the elevator, his last thought was that he drive to his girlfriend Miranda, and send someone for his things. No need to resign, let his rube grandfather Stone take care of things here. He'll send for his things.

Field pushed the old-fashioned black pushbutton for the lobby, right above the steel plaque stating WXQX; the plaque barely covering the bronze insignia of the old Empire Hotel.

The elevator creaked, groaned and shuddered as it tried to make its way downwards. It shook, it squealed, and finally, the cable snapped. They plunged downwards.

As it was, the elevator had managed to make it more than halfway down, and Field survived a four-story plunge, albeit one that ended in the sub-basement. Field wasn't seriously hurt, because he was heard from several stories above screaming, yelling, and uttering threats to the station, to Walter Denton, to his students, to the paramedics, the firefighters, and last but not least, Connie Boynton nee Brooks.

Field was freed and taken to the hospital. In a few hours, he was transported by ambulance to the Clay City Insane Asylum, where he stayed for sometime until finally cured of what the doctors diagnosed as acute megalomania accompanied by delusions.

Field's family could never collect from WXQX. The elevator has been checked by a state inspector the day before, and given a clean bill of health. Moreover, the elevator maintenance contract belonged to a private corporation wholly owner by the Field family. Any claim of negligence, at best, would be processed by WXQX's insurance. At worst, the lawsuit would be passed onto the Fields' company as a third party.

Author's Note

Clay City is home of Clay City High School, a fierce and traditional rival of Madison. Clay City is first mentioned in the radio episode _Game at Clay City_. The principal of Clay City, Jason Brill, a rival of Mr. Conklin's, is introduced in _Clay City English Teacher_ (radio).

Miss Brooks survives walking into an open elevator shaft at Clay City in _Project X_ (radio), being rescued by Jason Brill. In _School Safety Advisor, _Mr. Conklin and a representative of the school board survived a six-foot drop when Madison's freight elevator doors break.

The last paragraph features what may well be legal moonshine, I haven't the least idea whether WXQX could escape financial liability by naming the elevator maintenance company as a third party. This is in keeping with the spirit of the series.

The episode _Hospital Capers_ (T.V.) featured its own brand of legal nonsense. Here, Miss Brooks confronts a crooked lawyer representing Mr. Boynton in a negligence claim. The lawyer's contract had fine print so small, the lawyer provides Miss Brooks with three increasingly powerful magnifying glasses so she'd be able to read through the entire document.


	12. The Dinner Party

**The Dinner Party**

A week later, Connie and Philip had visitors. Daisy, driven by Walter Denton, had paid a suppertime visit. Connie, Phillip and Daisy had finished eating, and were watching Walter Denton eat the Boyntons out of house and home.

When Walter Denton had finally finished, he burst into a fit of laughter.

"Gee, you sure showed that _Frederick _Field! He'll never set foot in Madison High or Madison _Town _again."

"At no small personal cost" Connie observed. "I've had more newspaper and television interviews than I can count! I never expected I'd be a nationwide celebrity for exposing a dirty teacher. Really, I've heard that everybody has their fifteen minutes of fame. But why couldn't it have been when I was younger, and would have actually enjoyed it?"

"You have been enjoying it, Connie" said Phillip, mischievously. "You've asked for copies of every article, photo and T.V. interview."

"Rather good articles they were" Daisy observed. "You have never looked or sounded better."

"Well, I only did it for our children, grandchildren, and great-grandchild!" Connie objected. "All right, I did enjoy my week's worth of fame, although I'm happy to say it's over."

"Well, you should thank me" said Walter. "Whom do you think made sure the news got across the state? The Field name is toxic these days; their political power had been blown out of the water . . . for years to come! And _Frederick _isn't going to trouble anyone anymore."

"That's the most important thing" said Connie. "I wasn't planning to expose him on air. I didn't even know he'd sink to blackmailing Brains. I was hoping to take a tape of what were likely to be rude comments to Mr. Stone. I was hoping Mr. Stone would force Field to leave or leastways take away the extraordinary powers he had given him. Failing that, I would have threatened to go to the press."

"Why, Connie!" objected Daisy. "Then you yourself would be guilty of blackmail!"

"Turnabout is fair play" said Phillip.

"Blackmailing a blackmailer" Connie added wryly.

"Technically not blackmail" said Walter eagerly. "I think _Frederick _is guilty of extortion. Making threats against Brains if he didn't make that dumb speech. Too bad we can't send him to jail. He might claim insanity, he's been certified! Even if he doesn't claim, or hadn't been certified, it'll be hard to give the jerk a fair trial, _you've hopelessly compromised the jury pool by playing that tape! Haha!_"

"How you ever passed through law school I will never know!" said Daisy cattily.

"Never mind" said Connie fairly. "I really didn't expect or intend to send Field to jail. If he's truly out of his mind, as the psychiatrists say, I hope he gets well."

"After all he's done?" asked Phillip, angrily.

"Yes" said Connie. "If he's truly out of his mind, that's the best thing for him _and everybody else_. I've never met anybody like him in my life."

"His family's just as bad!" said Walter indignantly. "They're just more careful about it!"

"Well, as you said they're dead politically" said Phillip. "The bad press they've received would bury anyone."

"Let us just hope _Frederick _Field never tries his hand at teaching again!" said Daisy.

"Heaven forfend' Connie agreed. In a sardonic tone, she added, "No, the best thing for him would be to forget about politics. Not to mention to teaching. Let him stay out of everybody's hair, and spend him time, oh, yachting and golfing like the other multimillionaires."

"That's much more than he deserves" said Phillip.

"It's positively indecent!" said Walter.

"It is what it is" said Daisy pragmatically. "Let us talk about a more palatable topic. Did Mr. Stone reschedule the reunion?"

"Yes" said Connie. "He emailed me today. It seems it will be postponed to the end of term. Many of the people who weren't able to attend are now going to be present at the reunion."

"We called Tom and Liz. They'll now be able to make it" said Phillip.

"I hope the reunion is well publicized this time" said Daisy.

"Oh, it is" said Connie. "The students are sending _polite _invitations to everybody in the school's files, posting messages on facebook, and the like. I have a final television interview on the weekend, and I'll be sure to give Madison a plug."

"How do you know what the students are doing at Madison?" asked Walter.

"I have a couple of new informants" said Connie. "Brains Snodgrass and Betty Beadle."

"You know, Stretch is my good friend" said Walter. "But I can't say I like Brains all that much. He's spooky!"

"Spooky?" questioned Connie.

"Spooky" said Walter. "Have you checked your yearbooks lately? He's the _mirror image _of Stretch at that age."

"You're overreacting" said Phillip. "Family resemblances are rarely so similar, but these things do occur."

"You don't understand!" said Walter. "I've been Stretch's best friend and financial manager since high school. When I talk to Brains, it's like I'm talking to a Stretch that's suddenly . . . smart. It's eerie."

"No, Walter," said Connie, amused. "I don't. You see, after knowing the Snodgrasses for lo these many years, it's a relief to be acquainted with one who can speak English."

Author's Notes

I named this chapter for _The Dinner Party_, the last new radio episode of _Our Miss Brooks._

In _Cosmopolitan Magazine_, Mr. Conklin, Miss Brooks, Mr. Boynton, Miss Enright, Walter Denton and Harriet Conklin all deny interest in having their picture in the magazine. However, all dress up for the occasion. In _The Model School Teacher _(T.V. and radio), Miss Brooks sends a letter to the magazine nominating herself for the position.

In _The Burglar _(radio) and _The Honest Burglar _(T.V), Mrs. Davis and Miss Brooks help a man who attempted to burgle their refrigerator get a job. It is possible that Miss Brooks would be sympathetic to Field, especially since he has been confined to the asylum. Field's maliciousness, however, would work against her sympathies.


End file.
